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A Little Living

Strength has always been a quality i somewhat considered fleeting. People who appeared to be strong, suddenly collapsed and people who you would assume to be weak had an unbelievable consistency and resiliency towards life’s twists and turns.

It seems to me that through out my numerous rampages for insight across borders, humans and emotions, I misunderstood strength. I saw one side of it and failed to see through the other. Strength; it turns out, is not apparent and is not stamped on people’s foreheads. Strength cannot be determined by the amount of tears a person sheds upon experiencing an emotion, and it cannot be perceived simply by observation. Strength, to my amazement was a quality so deeply ingrained in the heart of hearts of any person who needed it. Strength is innate; it is weakness that we are taught. Weakness is the choice after all, and not strength.

How did i reach this conclusion you may ask? Give a little girl a notebook, some books, a lot of time, some exposure to new and dangerous territory, sprinkle her space with a few traps, and hand her a little light; give her a few shoves and let her make her own way. She will discover strength and she will meet weakness. Conclusions are much better concluded than reached.

I dare say, we have unbelievable resources of power available to our reach yet we are untrained, we lack the technological expertise and the human capital to tap into it. We are developing countries in a world of superpowers- we are left to our own devices trying to make sense of a world so unlike expectations. We are scared and we are unsure, we fail miserably and we shy away from our lessons. We learn to be weak so early on in our lives -unless advised otherwise- until strength becomes a quality to be admired.

I have heard before that courage is contagious, and strength is admirable because not many can attain both. I believe however so profoundly, that life is not scary and it is merely one challenge after the other. I believe that we must live anyway we see fit, because it is only this moment, and this hour and this day, and this year; only this lifetime you get to live.

So let go, its only now

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Break and Win

It is impossible to leave myself like this. I will not crack under all this pressure. If this door doesn’t open up for me I’m breaking it the hell down.
I have painted worlds and sang songs explaining decisions and embellishing truths. Weaknesses diminished as days ended all the same and mornings came as they always do.
I grab a black axe sharp and slightly curved to cause the smartest damage. I have been demolishing ideals and Gods. I have withdrawn from wilder ambitions and vulgar needs. I cradled my fists in my mouth and I managed to escape the causes and effects of my behavior.
I cannot contain my need for life and my shameless thirst for love. I cannot fathom being locked out of somebody’s mind, even when mine is a god forsaken fortress.
My maybe’s lose their letters to time as they become oh well’s. My future stands tall and handsome looking piercingly at my present and robbing it of its now.
I lose my fight and I face my defeat in real life while I reap victories in fictional battles where I am a feared and skilled champion. I have little to lose there and I can heal with a click of a button. I am invincible there; and I haven’t even reached my full potential yet.
So I dwell on a page and I pick myself apart trying to fix my outdated armor.
I lean on a song and I practice my lines. I give myself a medal and a pat on the back. I tried.
A few days is all it takes for me to regain strength, and believe in magic again. I pick a God and a new door in hopes of not getting knocked out again. The sun goes away and I march forward. I Break my back to blow my chances out of proportion. I break bones and stone. I destroy all that ever caged me and I explode into a state of hope.
Maybe tomorrow will be different, maybe I will win.

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Rebirth

 I’m shedding off my masks, I’m standing bare foot on charcoal grounds, and my hair smells of moist breezes and forgotten lands. I gaze the horizons for my home, my long lost haven, but the wonderland I’m in is of my own making. My skin is damp and my palms are sweaty, there is nothing left in this world for me.

I try to physically look back at the roads I’ve trodden, and I have made so many wrong turns my neck began to ache. My own footsteps wore me down. So I stand my ground and the burning sensation in the soles of my feet is proof of my long journey, and a sign that I should lay in the shade for a while.

Above me is sky and below me is over heated earth, I am life here and I am the movement, I am the variable and I am the catalyst. Whatever I do today will change this world I’m in.

Being the old person I am today, has never defined me, for my youth has been well taken care of. I gave my youth away to a child well deserving, a hopeful prospect for humanity. Yet, I am old today, and this land is as forgotten as I am, and my hair is as grey as the ashes my road has become. The books I have written, and the thoughts I have shared are the life I lived. I lived inside my books and through my words. The more complicated my journey got, the more exhilarating and expressive my phrases became. I existed in my characters, and in their choices. I loved what they loved and despised what they did. I have lived so many lives I can hardly keep count.

So today, I am shedding my masks and I am exposing the marks on my face, my eyes have a thousand stories to tell and my soul is an ancient one. This home I am searching for is taking form the faster I walk. I do want the shade and I definitely want to rest, but the home I’m looking for cannot wait. So I gain more pace and I look ahead, for nothing has ever slowed me down, and today neither age nor the world will as well.

As I push the gate open, I am out of breath, my knees feel weak and my head is light, yet my heart functions and beats like it has never before. But I can’t help but begin falling to the ground; out of the blue his hands reach for mine and he tells me I have done a good job. He pulls me up and leads me in. As I step inside, my hair regains its color, my hands become smooth again, and youth slams itself upon me. He whispers my story ends here, and now I can live on forever through my books. I nod with consent and close my eyes. A few seconds later I open a thousand pair of eyes all at once and through them, I never died.

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To save someone

Slow down, breathe, take a seat and listen. I understand all what you are going through, I am with you, and every step you take is mine as well. I don’t really know you but I want to, I am here to save you from yourself. Your pain hurts me, and your struggle weakens me. I am your friend today.

You need to let go of what is eating you, because it consumes me too. I don’t know your problems but I know mine and they are hard. We all need to be heard, and right now I am listening to your misery. Please stop breaking apart, it isn’t a beautiful sight, and I don’t want you to ever be anything but beautiful. But, unfortunately you are; and I will help you. Here’s a piece and there’s another; ill keep them for you. I know you hurt, and you don’t need all the pieces you’re shedding. Just keep your heart safe and guard your sanity for everything else can be fixed later.

You ache, and your tears evade your control. Your composure is past; all you know is wreckage now. But ill watch you, and ill reach out, for whenever you decide to climb out Ill be there to pull you up. I am with you.

I do not mind your screams, neither do I mind your hissing; the throbbing inside you echoes through me too. I will be your safety and your therapy, for I will not let you go. I will chase you to the darkest places in your soul and I will not let you go. So don’t bother push me away for it is no choice for you, you will be saved.

Take all the time you need to sort out your troubled mind; I will be sitting right across from you waiting for you to be ready. All this anguish, this worry in your eyes is everyone’s. Look around you, and you will see all the troubled minds accompanying yours. See, all those dark places in people’s souls they meet at some point. And you are there, so many people share your pain, you are never alone. Do not take solace in the misery, but embrace the hope in those saviors sitting across from each one of those hurting hearts. Just like me to you, there are many helping hands in those dark places.

For now I see you looking up, and asking for help, my time has come. I extend both my hands; give you your pieces and say: Slow down, breathe, get up and come with me, for I know the way back my friend.