Tag Archives: truth

Twenty-Six, shall we?

I begin again, at the beginning, twenty six and fully here. I have gratitude and a deep tremulous journey ahead. A journey not outwards, to you, or to the world, but inwards into my self. Because I do not feel that different, and I suppose age goes hand in hand with time, and if you don’t check the time you lose yourself. I want to lose myself in this beginning and only want to emerge again at the end. 

Losing yourself begins with recognizing that there is a story you tell yourself, one that is fed by all of your upbringing, your culture, your fears, your passions, your dreams and your wildest desires. You could live your entire life telling yourself and everyone else that story. 

OR

Your could live your life free from all those conditions. Imagine your life Free from boundaries of a single story. Imagine living obnoxiously and inherently to the point of elation. Imagine being able to love yourself, faults,fears and all. Imagine being able to demand and attain your own freedom, not from the chains of the world, but from yourself. 

Twenty six, is young; but I am both very young and very old. I was born yesterday twenty six years ago, but every day after that as well. Time is time as long as you bound yourself by it. Time is free of judgment and it is yours from beginning to end; you just decide where and how to locate those points. 

“Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end; then stop.” Lewis Carroll 

Here.

My arms are fire and my head is set free. I close my eyes and I ask, one question becomes a thousand, and I am back at square one. No real answers. But then I sense the flame and it pushes me face first inward, into my deepest fears. The memories, the inadequacies, the needs from love to acceptance, all of my failed pursuits, they dance around me as I flare my arms at them. But those are fears and they are not real, they are not me, they do not control what I am, who I am. I torch the first fear, then the second and I realize that there is nothing in there, just air. Empty air. Until the fear of insanity comes running and howling at me, am I insane? No. Just another fear, the most powerful one of all. So where did all my pain and panic come from? No answer, nobody in that room. Nobody behind the steering wheel, nobody holding the pen. So I sit back and I let that let down happen. I hoped for a mastermind, I hoped that I would get to face a stronger opponent, and Yet here I am, baffled. What lay inside when all the fear is gone? How would I live when it’s no longer about avoiding fears and reacting to them? Where will I go when I stop running? Who will I become when I simply am ? 

Words roll out like red carpets beneath the feet of worshipers, and I cannot hold them back. As though prisoners have been let out. As though nothing can ever be said again the same way. Words form and collapse right infront of me and I am letting it all slide, no filters or fillers, nothing to add and little to subtract. A complete cycle of renewal, nothing is pale and everything is sincere. I set this space free, my arms are fire and my words are here. 

Wishing Words

I wish I could write better stories, ones that would sway you into that parallel world of meaning, of clear beginnings and rightful ends. I wish I could provide you with mental images of severe beauty, the kind that moves your entire being, yet still manages to anchor you in an aesthetic serenity. I could write about moments that shake your senses, moments that you almost believe are yours alone, moments that stop your mind for a split second and you are in absolute surrender.

What if i wrote to you about the few seconds in between your last conscious thought and the beginning of your dream, where your mind softly switches and you have no control but to exist elsewhere, in a self composed dream as your body lay still, resting. How do i begin to describe the warmth of a hug when you truly need it, or the intensity of a push when you don’t see it coming?

I look for words everywhere, and when i find them I stop for a second and then I panic, because how do i possibly bring to life something so subjective yet absolutely intimidating. I suppose that is the quest for meaning, the eternal pursuit begins and ends with putting words to thoughts, and emotions in hopes of transcending a flawed perception of reality.

 

 

The Un-learning process

Why do you do what you do? What takes over you when you say yes or even when you say no? How little do you know yourself? And do you believe them when they tell you they know you and will do what’s best for you? 

I keep digging, I’ve been digging ever since I was 13 years old, and I’m approaching 26, still trying to understand. I have tried exercise, and love, I’ve tried depression and isolation, I’ve tried meditation and travel, I’ve tried so much, and I keep going back to this: I don’t know shit. >>sorry for the profanity<<

I don’t know why I say yes when I mean no, and I don’t know how to smile when I’m upset. I dont know how to lie when all I can see is one truth and It seems that nobody else has a clue.

So what do I know? 

I know that we all struggle, each to his or her own capacity. We all love and adore: people, pets, things or places; it doesn’t matter as long as we are willing to love. Everyone has a bunch of theories about life, and so do I; except most of which seem to work for some time only, up until it’s rebuttal time for the universe. 

So my dear, what do you do? Do you live in fear? Absolutely not. Do you plunge right in? Ofcourse. Because nobody knows And the more peace and tranquility you invest into that incessant case of uncertainty the softer your ride will be, and without doubt the more entertaining your life will get. 

Just remember to be as good at Un-learning as you were at learning. 

The Life Game: Set your build to win

Inspiration found me this morning as I was scrolling through my Facebook homepage. A video posted compares your human life from birth to end to a video game; and goes through the entire logical process in less than four minutes. As an avid video gamer myself, it was both ironic and creative to say the least.

The oversimplification made me think about the struggles we go through in order to achieve our goals whatever they might be. I, eventually as anybody would, started thinking about myself and how I manage to balance my life, the things that helped me progress, how I owned my experiences and continue to learn every step of the way. Three major elements keep me in check: practicing mindfulness, dedication to physical fitness and consistency for professional achievement. Yet the thought of attempting to balance mindfulness, physical fitness and professional achievement might induce so much anxiety, that you dismiss the possibility before even trying it. But consider this:

Your life game begins with a standard build, note that I’m dismissing socio-economic status as a start because I am solely talking about “free skills”. Mindfulness, fitness and achievement are unaffected by your external conditions, you could be at top of the ladder or starting from scratch, this should apply to you indiscriminately.

Your standard human build can take you far enough up until the challenges are more complex, and until the challengers facing you have learned new skills and developed their build. Then you will feel stuck, possibly defeated and exhausted by life. While you are still using your basic fight or flight mechanism, others have mastered self-control and tend to stand and fight in situations you would definitely flee, as that is your original coding, undeveloped.

Master the skill of Mindfulness:

To learn this skill, you have to recognize that every human’s basic build consists of personal experience; a lived past, a happening present and a subjective perception of a future. You have to acknowledge your past, own your experience, identify the lessons you have to learn, seek help if it proves to be difficult. You have to acknowledge the blessing of being alive, of having breath run through you. Identify with that breath on a daily basis, and practice being in the present moment, thankful and adamant on self-love not selfishness. The future will be taken care of, when you master the other two skills.

Master the skill of physical fitness:

To learn this skill, you have to recognize that your average build body, if no disabilities are present, is intended for mobility and functional movement. The less you use it for that purpose, the faster you deteriorate and battle numerous glitches and viruses, and the sooner you lose the game. Start with respecting the functionality of your body, follow a fitness program, the little achievements you make whether touching your toes when you couldn’t or performing a series of back flips on command, all reflect on your overall performance in the life game. You will become stronger and empowered, your build allows you to tackle challenges differently. Little achievement matter just as much as big ones. The flip-side of a series of fails, is the consistency that leads to lessons learned and essentially achievement by virtue of trial and error.

Mastering those skills helps you recharge your spirit and your body. You will recognize your weaknesses and deal with them before it’s too late. You will be ahead in your game.

Mastering the skill of professional achievement:

To learn this skill, you must have a clear goal. You have to know why you are in the job and what you plan on achieving by remaining in it for a certain time period. There is no shortage of opportunities, even in today’s economy. Identify where you are on the resourcefulness scale and make your decisions accordingly. Don’t let fear stop you from taking a leap into the next level. But make sure that your boots will jump high enough and your build can stand the impact of a miscalculation.

The life game is different for each and every one of us. We all have the capacity to improve and to develop ourselves in continuously competitive and challenging game play. Stay curious, stay present and improve with every opportunity you get. Keep your head in the game, and believe that winning everyday is actually possible as long as you are in the game.

The Fight 

I stare at my palms and at my broken skin. When did this happen? I didn’t see most of it. I didn’t feel any of it. I was so desensitized; I was breathing in rust and breathing out gold. I broke myself while fixing this. The process pauses as I suddenly watch the Reds Browns and greens scale off my knees and my elbows. I find that my hair has turned to rope, my eyes are made of glass. The world is loud, it is immense and psychotic. I am still and I am loveless. My limbs have rusted and nails are black. Somehow I stopped, my soul is awake and it is thunder; it is lightning and it is fearless beyond my fragile body. Shrieks turn to screams, and screams become prayers for redemption. The psychotic world grows even more hysterical but I am awake, and I am becoming. 

I spit out words and bones, I press my palms over my face and I smash the glass. I give my soul eyes, and suddenly I recognize myself. 

One more battle done with this world at war; I am not broken, I am not heavy. I am made of gold and rust; I have a stream of rain running through me. My soul is thunder and I am not not blind. I see you. Beyond anything, and after it all ends; I still see you. 

Hero:Villain 

I frown upon my third attempt to write something without sounding ridiculous and completely off tune with the world. I reread my initial thoughts and think to myself:”God im full of myself.” I erase those lines in hopes of sounding more humble, a little less intense, and somehow more agreeable. 

It is unbelievably difficult to find my voice without any music playing while I write, it’s as though the silence muffles my thoughts; they cower and hide because they are not humble, they are eccentric and they are disappointing. So I push myself and I pick at my obscure attempt to reveal my true self to this page. I need to unravel somewhere, and this crest white glistening screen is enticing to say the least. 

I may be picking up the pace and finding my flow but I am letters away from shutting down completely. Too many layers keeping my fears dormant and not enough layers to keep my skin warm. This is how it goes, sometimes we gotta choose, lying to ourselves and staying comfortable in the chill, or revealing our insides to the eye and basking in the warmth of its fire.

I may be different, but I could just as well be similar. I do feel like an outlier almost every day, but maybe everybody does too. I do have explosions of emotion occurring just beneath the surface, but I just as well, may not be the only one getting burned. I may be the only me, and the rest are a bunch of you. But I could just as well be another you to somone just as odd as me. Go figure! 

I make believe and I pretend to live in a world just for me. I pick it’s heroes and I love it’s villains. Perhaps the time has come for me to realize,that I am part hero and part villain with little control over both. 

Comfort Space

I peer out of this room, and suddenly nobody remembers my name. Suddenly four birthdays have passed since I last had a dream. Suddenly, I did not know where I had been. 

Friends and family attempt to make life easier, and sometimes they do. But for the most part, things get tough, the world gets heavy, and reality gets messy. So you bring together forces of nature and some technology in hopes of becoming a person good at living. You look at people a little more gently, and you judge a little less too. You smile more intently, and your words become fewer too. You are summed up by the kindness you put out because not much of it is out there around you. Not much goodness, at least not as much as you hoped you’d see. 

You learn that waking up is mandatory, and going to sleep is a vacation. You listen to the world in its fullness and in its hollow spaces, and you’re silence is echoed through. Rainfall gets romantic, in the literary sense and in the realistic one. Some people are hurt by the rain when you get to fall in love. Some people are not like you, and they have different perceptions of the world. They do however get to love too. 

I step back into my room, and I realize nothing ever stops and waits for me to be ready. All that time, it has passed, and somebody may have put it to better use than I have. Nothing seizes, nobody rests. The motion is continuous and all we’ve got to do is pack up nice, put on some sturdy boots, stand up straight and simply move. 

I hug my comfort to sleep, and I push the blankets below our feet. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Welcome to the Apocalypse

I am worried that there will be few survivors after this empty information apocalypse is done. It hurts my feelings, stings my eyes and burns my mind as i read people’s statuses and opinions about what they perceive as facts in today’s world. We have no accountability, no responsibility, and no value for what we say or do. We are random, irrational and dumbfounded by a shiny screen and some keys that magically turn our thoughts into language.

We are being flooded, drowned and suffocated so eloquently and entertainingly by false information and ridiculous value systems. My head is pounded daily with how the world is so interconnected and globalized, that you are a citizen of the world and no longer of one state. We are fed such notions implying that the human race has won after all, and the world exists solely for our pleasure. This arrogant form of existence is not sustainable even if it is international.

We live in the age of small talk and big wallets. We surround ourselves with illusions of happiness and we dwell on the shiny reflections of our masked ineptitude. We crawl into our fancy lie of a lifestyle thinking that nobody is on to us. We only act on incentive, reward and punishment; we have no value for genuine or nice anymore. We trip on our egos as we speak of poorly adopted ideas and we find offense in everything that moves. No body is secure because this wonderland of information leaves us inhibited and scared like little children on their first day of school. Except, we are not being schooled, we are not being educated, we are being turned into conceding vegetation, acknowledging the truths marketed to us to keep us quiet and dumb.

Religious sectarianism, conditioning us since infancy, eats out our rationality and purity. We misuse wise words and pleasure ourselves with what suits us of it. We hear but we never listen. We preach, but we never communicate. Prejudice becomes us and we viciously attack any form of individuality or free speech. We have our minds locked in double thinking  mode; assuming that open-mindedness is the opposite of self control or religion. We are on a bandwagon, we are the ill-informed public, misled into believing that we know about everything and have access to all the information; but we are the fools, we are the silent lambs dragged into war, into apathy and oblivious existence.

Take offense in your own ignorance rather than other people’s. Educate yourself before attempting to change the world. Save yourself, for it is a zombie apocalypse of humans mutated and disfigured by the floods of filthy and poisonous information they have been consuming.

PS: If there are any survivors, please inform others, you never know whose life you’re saving 🙂

Dear Mom,

Dear mom,
I dreamt about you the other night, it was almost real. Then i woke up and i realized even though i felt you in my mind, we were still on opposite sides of this world, in different time zones. I then closed my eyes to see you again and i did. You always said our unconscious is incredible; you were right.
Im imagining you reading this now, and its funny because you always complimented my writing even when it was terrible. I think it was your way of encouraging me to express my timid self.
I have so much faith in you, maybe the strongest belief springing from my core is in you. Nothing bigger than you in this world and nothing simpler. You encompass what life was, is and ought to be. Its insane because how can i ever come to know myself seperated from you when you are my source; my genuine soulmate.
I just want to tell you that you trained me well. You did your best and while you juggled being my mother and my best friend you somehow created me all over again everyday.
Everytime i catch myself feeling lonesome or down i remember how you would brush your shoulders off and tell me this is what we do. Then we pick ourselves up because we are that strong.
I know you have your pains and your struggles, just like every artist out there. Except, you are more youthful than you know, more beautiful than you admit, and more brilliant than you think. Your joy is my own and your pain is mine too. I will never stop pushing you, i will never walk out on you, because this is what we are all about.
I am so proud of you, when your strong and when your weak. You are my biggest truth.
So, yes as predictable as i am, this is how i try to make up for the distance.
I love you mom, thats what i’ve been trying to say:)
Nour