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Bed time story for adults

Alone in bed at night, you stare at the ceiling, one breath in, but it stops half way through and it erupts into a muted sigh. Your heart beat is heavy so is your world. You need to close your eyes, sleep is the most important action right now. Except you know, that wont happen, your mind is too anxious, so many thoughts, events and roles underplayed during the day. You should have done more, you should have said something, you should have acted.

It is silly really, all the thoughts, words pushing and elbowing each other in order to make it to the finish line, topped by a long banner with the word TRUTH inscribed. But in that race, truth is not the finish line that your thoughts are racing for. The finish line is a bed time story you tell yourself about the life your are leading. And we all know baby, bed time stories are only stories after all; and nothing in them is real.

See, the fear of waking up feeling unaccomplished and miserable comes from a deep consciousness that you keep muffling after every chapter in your bed time story. Not doing what you really want, going to a job you hate, marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons, staying in an abusive relationship, accepting unfairness in your daily life in every form, all will pile up with time, especially if you always have that quiet little voice saying “I really don’t want this“.  And when that pile becomes too large, no amount of stories will be able to hold it. The pile will become too real, your life will become too real, too late. 

Resolutions for the new year are almost always broken, not because people don’t want the change, but because people are too afraid of it, and are too lazy for reality, and would rather go back to their bed time stories by February. Waking up once and for all is exhausting if you are so used to snoozing that alarm. So you snooze 2017, and you might snooze 2018, and live your life on snooze, bored and missing out on the day, and unable to sleep at night.

How wonderful would it be if you could place your head on your pillow tonight knowing that you did one thing right, one thing that did not have you thinking “I really don’t want this“? How would you feel if you woke up in the morning with an anticipation for the day, where the traffic will not bother you enough to ruin your day, nor will a few hiccups along the way? How would it feel to live your life slowly, where when people complain, you say you are grateful for the things that you have, and work on the negatives?

Nobody will change your life for you. So get to it.

 

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Colors of the new Unknown

I cannot get this thought out of my head, something in the world is shifting, a new karma is taking form and I am unsure how the dawn will color itself.

As we journey into our cores, many layers unfold, but we always tend to miss something. Not everything can be uncovered, not everything must be known.

Tonight I sing to the unknown and all of its glory, all of its mystery and all of its truth. Unless we know ourselves we can never love anything else. But when we understand that we can never truly know, we understand how vast our vessels of love are, and how sweet our thirst is.

In unknowns lay our loved ones alive and dead, in the unknown lay our energies and our karmas. There lay time arm in arm with every spec of dust we have managed to move in the motion of our lives. And to tell you a secret, I think there lay the last piece of the puzzle. The unknown is the beast we must truly learn to love and tame.

We will never be afraid of anything ever again.

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Gary V inspired this

According to Tony Robbins, my driving force in life is a need for significance. Upon completing that quiz, which I was doing out of curiosity and a need for answers on that special day, I realized how true that mostly is.

See, I’ve been religious about motivating myself to do and be more on all levels, whether emotionally, mentally, spiritually, athletically (I’M THIS CLOSE TO A REAL PULL UP) and every other ally there is. And contrary to popular belief, it is NOT exhausting, it is exhilarating!

On my daily roster of motivational speakers is Gary Vaynerchuck, and if like me your driving force is significance then he will curse the laziness out of you.

Most of us are too lazy to be true to what we really want, who we truly are. Most of us graze the surface and skip over the puddle of mud hoping that staying clean is going to teach us something about mud. I find myself complaining sometimes about how things should be, or how someone should have acted or should have said. And in those circumstances I revel in false victim hood. As Mr. V puts it, these things are BINARY. You either do it or you don’t.

Every day that passes we could have taken a small step towards our own greatness no matter what shape it takes. We are taught that excuses are a quick exit strategy, they bail us out of any notion of responsibility that we might have towards becoming more than working, eating, surviving beings. On the opposite end of transcendence are excuses hanging out together telling you why its better to watch a rerun of a silly show, than to actually go and experience what running under the sun feels like.

Everything you do, that is not born out of your essence is useless. Selling out is easy, and many do it as soon as mud hits the fan. Selling out looks like somebody who complains about everything, somebody who refuses to look inwards, somebody who refuses to fall only to stand still and develop a bitterness towards every moving being around them.

Export your ideas, your craziness and your eccentricities into the life you live. Or else, really… what are you doing? You must be quite bored.

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Twenty-Six, shall we?

I begin again, at the beginning, twenty six and fully here. I have gratitude and a deep tremulous journey ahead. A journey not outwards, to you, or to the world, but inwards into my self. Because I do not feel that different, and I suppose age goes hand in hand with time, and if you don’t check the time you lose yourself. I want to lose myself in this beginning and only want to emerge again at the end.

Losing yourself begins with recognizing that there is a story you tell yourself, one that is fed by all of your upbringing, your culture, your fears, your passions, your dreams and your wildest desires. You could live your entire life telling yourself and everyone else that story.

OR

Your could live your life free from all those conditions. Imagine your life Free from boundaries of a single story. Imagine living obnoxiously and inherently to the point of elation. Imagine being able to love yourself, faults,fears and all. Imagine being able to demand and attain your own freedom, not from the chains of the world, but from yourself.

Twenty six, is young; but I am both very young and very old. I was born yesterday twenty six years ago, but every day after that as well. Time is time as long as you bound yourself by it. Time is free of judgment and it is yours from beginning to end; you just decide where and how to locate those points.

“Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end; then stop.” Lewis Carroll

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Here.

My arms are fire and my head is set free. I close my eyes and I ask, one question becomes a thousand, and I am back at square one. No real answers. But then I sense the flame and it pushes me face first inward, into my deepest fears. The memories, the inadequacies, the needs from love to acceptance, all of my failed pursuits, they dance around me as I flare my arms at them. But those are fears and they are not real, they are not me, they do not control what I am, who I am. I torch the first fear, then the second and I realize that there is nothing in there, just air. Empty air. Until the fear of insanity comes running and howling at me, am I insane? No. Just another fear, the most powerful one of all. So where did all my pain and panic come from? No answer, nobody in that room. Nobody behind the steering wheel, nobody holding the pen. So I sit back and I let that let down happen. I hoped for a mastermind, I hoped that I would get to face a stronger opponent, and Yet here I am, baffled. What lay inside when all the fear is gone? How would I live when it’s no longer about avoiding fears and reacting to them? Where will I go when I stop running? Who will I become when I simply am ?

Words roll out like red carpets beneath the feet of worshipers, and I cannot hold them back. As though prisoners have been let out. As though nothing can ever be said again the same way. Words form and collapse right infront of me and I am letting it all slide, no filters or fillers, nothing to add and little to subtract. A complete cycle of renewal, nothing is pale and everything is sincere. I set this space free, my arms are fire and my words are here.

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Wishing Words

I wish I could write better stories, ones that would sway you into that parallel world of meaning, of clear beginnings and rightful ends. I wish I could provide you with mental images of severe beauty, the kind that moves your entire being, yet still manages to anchor you in an aesthetic serenity. I could write about moments that shake your senses, moments that you almost believe are yours alone, moments that stop your mind for a split second and you are in absolute surrender.

What if i wrote to you about the few seconds in between your last conscious thought and the beginning of your dream, where your mind softly switches and you have no control but to exist elsewhere, in a self composed dream as your body lay still, resting. How do i begin to describe the warmth of a hug when you truly need it, or the intensity of a push when you don’t see it coming?

I look for words everywhere, and when i find them I stop for a second and then I panic, because how do i possibly bring to life something so subjective yet absolutely intimidating. I suppose that is the quest for meaning, the eternal pursuit begins and ends with putting words to thoughts, and emotions in hopes of transcending a flawed perception of reality.

 

 

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The Un-learning process

Why do you do what you do? What takes over you when you say yes or even when you say no? How little do you know yourself? And do you believe them when they tell you they know you and will do what’s best for you? 

I keep digging, I’ve been digging ever since I was 13 years old, and I’m approaching 26, still trying to understand. I have tried exercise, and love, I’ve tried depression and isolation, I’ve tried meditation and travel, I’ve tried so much, and I keep going back to this: I don’t know shit. >>sorry for the profanity<<

I don’t know why I say yes when I mean no, and I don’t know how to smile when I’m upset. I dont know how to lie when all I can see is one truth and It seems that nobody else has a clue.

So what do I know? 

I know that we all struggle, each to his or her own capacity. We all love and adore: people, pets, things or places; it doesn’t matter as long as we are willing to love. Everyone has a bunch of theories about life, and so do I; except most of which seem to work for some time only, up until it’s rebuttal time for the universe. 

So my dear, what do you do? Do you live in fear? Absolutely not. Do you plunge right in? Ofcourse. Because nobody knows And the more peace and tranquility you invest into that incessant case of uncertainty the softer your ride will be, and without doubt the more entertaining your life will get. 

Just remember to be as good at Un-learning as you were at learning.