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In the Dark



Moments; I watch them happen yet I am not inside them. I am really not inside anything but a heartless machine. I am calculated and structured, I am not forgetful nor am I as clumsy. I’m more on the surface and its killing me. I hate life on the surface it’s not right.
I force words out onto this page just to remind myself that a soul once lived here, it found solace within letters and lines. A soul cried here and looked for peace yet left disappointed most of the time. A soul that hid here now pushes under my skin, it wants life and it wants meaning. Bursting through the seams it seems yet I can barely see it.
Not in their faces do I see purpose nor in their words, they all love the surface or so it appears. They look back at me and they smile as though I have risen from depth to greet them and tell them there is more to life, good still exists. But I find that they never find me beyond that message, they don’t bother look further because what they need is a mere surface reflecting what they need or love to see.
I step away from my selfless self and I try to see what they see. If I were them I wouldn’t want to get sucked into that arrogant vacuum too. Light only makes sense to those in the dark, but light doesn’t understand it’s light because all it sees is dark. A complication? possibly, but a fact? maybe not. Light has an endless path until it’s absorbed and then transformed.
So I wait and wonder…

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Every other night as i lay in bed quietly counting the days ive been away from home, i find myself staring at her pictures.
Never in my life have i felt so overwhelmingly attached to a child as i am to her. Her face just turns on every light in my soul and she leaves me wishing i could be part of her journey growing up. She is a form of life in herself, a kind and a type that has not been discovered yet.
I think of this little baby girl and i want to hand her the world myself, i want to watch as she unravels the secrets of her great existence.
It is very safe to say that my 2 year old self would have definitely been her best friend. I even dare say my 21 year old self could easily be her best friend too.
Never did i think that such a little person could enter my heart and comfort my loneliness as she has.
And so as i flip through pictures of Selma i smile and i realize that this little friend of mine is the first person to make me feel so grown up and so young all at once.

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Unmasked at Night

“Ah! realize your youth while you have it. Don’t squander the gold of your days, listening to the tedious, trying to improve the hopeless failure, or giving away your life to the ignorant, the common, and the vulgar. These are the sickly aims, the false ideals, of our age. Live! Live the wonderful life that is in you! Let nothing be lost upon you. Be always searching for new sensations. Be afraid of nothing. . . . A new Hedonism — that is what our century wants. You might be its visible symbol.” (2.16)” The Picture of Dorian Gray- Oscar Wilde

I stare at the world from a distance and i wonder about what it is to exist, to live and to be me. Beauty all around; it is almost inexcusable, undeniable and inspirational. I knew beauty was common, but it never gets old, it never gets boring. That is the wonder of beauty, even the word has a rhyme so flawless that it has you picturing the brightest truth to ever exist. The thought of beauty compels my mind and my emotions into a peek of pursuit that i have not calculated or organized. An aimless pursuit that has me eager yet still and balanced. Except i find myself shying away from my own reflection in other people’s eyes, maybe i just  love letting them find their own in mine. I love showing them the way inside their own truths, their own beauty and their own forsaken peace. I do not worry about myself, i always seem to land anyway. I express myself to myself, i don’t need portals or tools. I have not found myself anywhere else but deep inside my troubles and my joys, so i am teaching myself to no longer look out.

I find myself writing on my own, no feedback and no criticism, no applause and no rejection. Positively alone and without a trace, my words flow out of my mind and onto this screen. I open my heart to definitions and i try to watch beauty unfold. At times disappointment hurts me when its all i can spill out, and at others, like now, i find myself in a state of release, my mind afloat and not drowning screaming for life.

The hardest part is always beginning that new line, finding the words to introduce your thoughts in the most adequate way. Just as well, the hardest part is taking new steps in foreign grounds, ones you haven’t trodden before, ones that have you confused and uncertain, ones that hold mystery and chances of defeat or triumph. Guardedly, you look for the right and firm steps, only to save yourself the inadequacy of falling right in the beginning. You try to make a way that will introduce you to the best possibilities, a way that you can find every time you get lost. And so you pound your feet and you insert your full potential into every strike you take, hoping you are making the right decision and taking the accurate turns. Then when it rains you will find your way back, you will have your print and your truth engraved on every corner.

I smile when i come to the end of this because beauty is outside my window, in bright city lights and in every raindrop softly enhancing and reflecting my shy thoughts. Beauty lay in the mystic waters and in the freezing winds, it colors itself whichever shade we want it to. Beauty is generous and it is available, it is pure and it needs no reason. Beauty calms my mind into a soothing song of quiet and melodic homesickness, topped with gratitude for where i am now.

Every soul is a wonder in its own troubles, its own aches, its genuine desires and its wounded longings. We become what we allow ourselves to feel, and we grow as much as we allow our minds to wander off. Every soul is an imagination and a truth. Every soul is a beauty unmasked at night.

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Encountering a Dream

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.

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Memoirs of a beginning

I rest my heart in fallen paradise. I lay still cuddled with my demons, until i grow tired, so desperate to close my eyes. They pet my soul and comfort my mind with numb lullabies of an innocent child. The fear of the unknown is tucked under their palms for a better day more welcoming of loneliness.
They whisper flawlessly some beautiful words to calm my anxiety and inner chill. Fly inside out into dreams of clarity and hope. The beauty that is you must find every answer within yourself. For if you wake up one day in a bed that is not your own, your demons will soothe your soul. Your fears will not leave you, neither will your love. Find the ways in and out of your self, and you will never be lost.
The love i have been fed will make way for brighter days, the truth i have seeked will surface in the darkest nights and the faces i have smiled upon for as long as i can remember, will forever keep me one smile away from being alone.

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On the shore of sanity

Maybe I should run away and never be found. Maybe I should leave everything I know right here and now. Liberate my thoughts and desires; unleash my insecurities and my perfections. I’m looking at my world differently and what made sense before is gibberish today. I can go the distances of possibilities; I can stretch my mind to the farthest horizons. Of course I can, here on this paper I can.

I am on a quest, I have not figured out my purpose yet but I know I’m on the right track. This paper here keeps me real, grounded and sane. It receives my thoughts and aspirations with no judgment.

Unlike people this paper is my haven, my shore; it absorbs my speed and intensity. So this is where I begin running. I start shedding my masks; one by one I hear them crash behind me. I feel my feet’s friction with the sand, and I can almost taste the salty moisture of the sea ahead. On this shore of my sanity I release my inhibitions. I look up to my cloudy sky and find long lost memories dripping on my skin. The speed is exhilarating and the memories are countless so I find myself indulging in that storm. Nevertheless, the farther I stretch my mind and the larger that shore extends the heavier my memories get. My heart suddenly feels weighed down, so I stop and I stand still to take my breath. A rush of wind infiltrates my senses and I am revived. I look back at my path and it’s a beautiful wreck. The sand I stepped on is displaced; it has taken the form of my movement. The air I breathed is scented, and the memories that had dripped on my skin have touched me and are evaporating back into my sky. I know they will visit again. 

I smile and with that one swift motion I am no longer on my shore. I am in a dark room with one lit lamp and the smell of forgotten cold coffee strikes me. I pick my emotions up dust off my pen and begin writing myself down. I’m an entity of helpless and sheer humanity. I am seeking peace with faith and genuine selflessness. I am young but my mind is ancient with all the philosophy it tackles and yearns for. My mind is insanity and life, with sprinkles of humor; while thoughts of self loathing and deep self adoration are in constant conflict. I am enthralled by the experiences of those around me and I am like a living sensor for life’s changes. I’m a realist with hopefulness. I am extremes and contradiction at best, but I never forget shades and degrees. I am in a state of constant observation and self-definition.