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Tuesday Evening

Yet again I lay down on an ordinary Tuesday evening thinking to myself. I have music playing in the background giving every passing second a tune to call its own. I directly reach for my phone and I start writing because that is how I make myself useful.
I always have the urge to write yet I don’t always have much to say. Repetition scares me just as much as forgetfulness does. I must never fall victim of either. The two times I plan to indulge in absent mindedness are when I’m in love and when I’m senile; I just hope they don’t occur simultaneously.
Life is absurdly simple sometimes, one of those sometimes is right now. Do I dare explain my blessings or do I fear a year of bad luck? Well one of the perks of simplicity is the inability to comprehend complexity; hence the joy of mere living. Much talk and no real message? Well it is a little liberating to be able to just say whatever you want to say without the burden of contexualizing every word into meaning.
Not everything, nor everyday requires meaning. Sometimes looking at your ceiling, listening to some music and finding it impossible to dramatize, is the best situation for self inspection. Sometimes just draining the energy of the day through letters and words is the best therapy for a racing mind.
It’s ok to pause, it’s ok to pay attention to the lyrics of every song on your playlist just so you know what love means to that artist. Whether you have found any meaning or not is unnecessary tonight. So take your time and enjoy the fact that you are you right here and right now. We can’t control everything around us, so might as well take a step back and watch ourselves unfold.
I miss home.

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SELF PORTRAIT

Indecisive, uncertain, insecure, doubtful, unreliable, inhibited girl. Passionate rarely, apathetic mostly, lacking always.  Empathetic, nice, numb, sad. Grateful, undisciplined quitter. Heavy, shy, thoughtful, realistic. Logical, submissive, obedient, void. Soulful, selective, salient, secretive writer. Strange, different, proud, honest. Alone in a world of surrogate fillers; illusions of completeness.

Tiptoeing  around self loathing while free-falling in love with myself everyday. A recipe for disillusionment from a world of hypocrisy and tainted truths. A child in the commoners’ eyes, and a troubled mismanaged old soul in reality. Drama queen at best, possible proof that i am mislead by my youth after all. I dream of becoming a dreamer, but dreaming is escaping reality. So i dwell in the mess of that truth, a form of wreckage that people run away from by chasing their dreams. Happiness is not in those dreams but in making peace with what reality offers.

Pursuing a purpose, a meaning and a reason, but i have no clue still. Contrary to usual tendencies, the last thing i want is to live forever; the idea is as troubling as it is infinite and whole. I want to know every step of the way that i am getting closer to an end that should answer all my questions.

An over analyzing hopeless romantic. An endless dreamer and a simple – minded wide hearted being. The only way i understand reality is through the magic of my soul. The only reason i identify sadness is because natural joy floods me. The print of every word i write is a breath so involuntary that it surprises me every time. This cruelty of a mind molded both by experience and the lack of it is always heavy; except redeeming truth flowing out of my fingertips lifts me up every time.

My words are salty and moist, they sting when the wound is open; yet they heal when my world runs dry. My words stray but they always come back to comfort me. They prove to me that a voice is only beautiful when it is soulful and true. I sail and i listen to people’s stories knowing that mine belongs to these words. The day i ran to my notebook instead of a person, i gave those words absolute power and i rendered myself a mere messenger.

Simplicity finds me as i end this text; i believe its time i let go and surface.

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Existential pointlessness.

I don’t know why i run here every time; every single time i find myself writing as though my mind cries here and lays all its worries and the weight of the world; right here. I find myself creating and expressing what i cannot spell out as eloquently to anyone, at least not without breaking apart.

So i need and long and want so much, just as so many others do. But it is rare that i admit such weaknesses. It is rare that i stand and give myself out so bare and undisguised. It takes faith, it takes belief and belonging to give yourself out in such manner to anyone. how do you trust? how do you know? how do you believe what anyone says to you? for what is deceit in the end of the day but a let down from someone you trusted. So simple yet so damaging.

Then come love, the greatest confusion of all. the strongest and most liberating yet suffocating situation one can ever fall into. The impossible becomes a plan, and a very plausible one which will get you even more tangled in the thoughts, limitations and benefits of such commitment. It builds you bigger and stronger. But it keeps grabbing you by the neck, any wrong move you make or even more simply the moment it decides to leave, it breaks your neck, along with everything else that was. You then are left. Simple.

What is it? what is it that drives us to such destructive situations? We dive so willfully and joyfully as though experience has not slapped us right in the face over and over. Is it that pathetic need for belonging that makes us so weak as to want to relate to anything and everything. A believer relates to God, for he has found the most glorious bond. But isn’t that nothing but a psychological man-made relationship? A lover relates to his beloved, for he has figured out eternal passion; at least until one of them decides to leave. So what is divine in such finished a world? What is pure and true? What is genuine but a sad truth? What truth is there when we are children of conflict and death? Who is right and who is wrong?

What is forever, but a longing for the impossible? When do we give up and realize the joke of it all? When do we own up to our fear of never knowing and admit that there is no point but what we decide to make of it.

So we go to the secret places inside our minds and souls, we hide all our doubts and pains inside, lock up and get out to the world. Nothing but because people do not like misery, they love happiness and simplicity, they love aloofness and everything physical. They run away from the real abstract and end up living in one they have made up and imagined all alone. They close the doors behind them and forget where they hid their secret place. They shy away from hard truths and embrace simple instinctual habits. They have no need for existential bullshit. For life is no more but being born suddenly opening your eyes to a world you have not chosen to enter, you then are blessed with a brain that gets developed and screwed with by people and emotions. You then exit the way you entered unasked and unwelcome.

Life is a liability, death is not a choice either. So exit as you came in, bare and frail. Fragile to the core but with a brain made just to piss you off, some sort of teaser. It gets you places but then there is no way back , you can never not know something you know. It is there forever more.

So at the end of the day you end up writing about some existential pointlessness on a very commercial blog, which will probably never get you anywhere in life.

I end this with saying, the greatest joys come from simple minds and imagination.

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On the shore of sanity

Maybe I should run away and never be found. Maybe I should leave everything I know right here and now. Liberate my thoughts and desires; unleash my insecurities and my perfections. I’m looking at my world differently and what made sense before is gibberish today. I can go the distances of possibilities; I can stretch my mind to the farthest horizons. Of course I can, here on this paper I can.

I am on a quest, I have not figured out my purpose yet but I know I’m on the right track. This paper here keeps me real, grounded and sane. It receives my thoughts and aspirations with no judgment.

Unlike people this paper is my haven, my shore; it absorbs my speed and intensity. So this is where I begin running. I start shedding my masks; one by one I hear them crash behind me. I feel my feet’s friction with the sand, and I can almost taste the salty moisture of the sea ahead. On this shore of my sanity I release my inhibitions. I look up to my cloudy sky and find long lost memories dripping on my skin. The speed is exhilarating and the memories are countless so I find myself indulging in that storm. Nevertheless, the farther I stretch my mind and the larger that shore extends the heavier my memories get. My heart suddenly feels weighed down, so I stop and I stand still to take my breath. A rush of wind infiltrates my senses and I am revived. I look back at my path and it’s a beautiful wreck. The sand I stepped on is displaced; it has taken the form of my movement. The air I breathed is scented, and the memories that had dripped on my skin have touched me and are evaporating back into my sky. I know they will visit again. 

I smile and with that one swift motion I am no longer on my shore. I am in a dark room with one lit lamp and the smell of forgotten cold coffee strikes me. I pick my emotions up dust off my pen and begin writing myself down. I’m an entity of helpless and sheer humanity. I am seeking peace with faith and genuine selflessness. I am young but my mind is ancient with all the philosophy it tackles and yearns for. My mind is insanity and life, with sprinkles of humor; while thoughts of self loathing and deep self adoration are in constant conflict. I am enthralled by the experiences of those around me and I am like a living sensor for life’s changes. I’m a realist with hopefulness. I am extremes and contradiction at best, but I never forget shades and degrees. I am in a state of constant observation and self-definition.

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Tonight i will

Dont let them bring you down he said,
Theres a power in you that no one can understand. I see your upset just dont back down!
And i believed it. What else is there? Its either good or bad, and we just hope for the best. I give what i can and i do what i should, the rest is up to the world. I want to dance to a song that makes me move out of my shell. I want to smile at someone the sneaky smile. I want to be bad and misbehave on my own terms.i want to love so hard that i shock you. I want to be good at different things and impress my self everytime!
I love the happiness i can feel, i love the joy and the peace of mind. I love the tiny pieces of Godly blessings in me. I want to build on that rather than negativity and defeat! I want to laugh at myself and my foolishness.
He is right whenever he tells me to snap out of my negativity surges of sudden and utter depression and defeat. He is so right to believe in me. I have so much and i can offer my humanity and passion to any situation, i just lose myself in that sometimes.
Today, im going to sleep content. I will love my self and i will listen to a beautiful song. I can do that and i will be truly genuinely happy. I love tonight God and i am thankful for that. Whatever power outthere that keeps me going is my God, my strength my soul and my truth.

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Simply because

I look at this screen and my head is weary from all the thoughts intertwined. I say to myself take it easy and every thing will fall in place. After too much depth one needs to dwell in simplicity or else any remaining sanity will be gone.
I think of God when i want to touch simplicity, creation is rather natural to a simple mind. I set aside any reservation i have and i feel the darkness of the sky above me. From this Beirut night, the stars are few but the crescent moon has a honey shine to it that flatters the senses. There is little sign of nature around me except for the pots of flowers placed on my balcony. And it is intelligence and practicality to work with what you have. So i simply shift my stare from the night sky to my city flowers.
What answers am i looking for? What truth am i seeking tonight? I find no help whatsoever. Then again a wind blows, one that has been blocked by so many buildings that it reaches you almost suffocated but persistent enough to shuffle around your hair. What softer answer can i seek?
Truth lay in darkness, and in the honey haze of the moon. It lay in God’s breath of life into those helpless flowers in the shade. Truth lay in the simplicity. It lay in my soul which needs no definition tonight because. Simply because..