Posted on Leave a comment

Collapse

In a valley deep between two huge mountains i stand, wide eyed and embarrassingly caught in the middle. They look down and they meet at the tips of my feet, i am insignificant. They are mountains their understanding of fragility is ancient and forgotten.

In a valley so deep, i stand, i crawl and i scratch out my flaws. I am hard at work but i am no mountain after all, i doubt i can ever be. The pressure of greatness keeps the valley down and only makes the mountains seem higher above.

A defeated person, inhibited from the inside and pressured from the outside can only take so much; a collapse is to be anticipated. I love collapse; freeing, truthful, and inevitable. Collapse is the truest form of expression, nothing is held back, nothing remains inside. You collapse to see yourself and your life as it really is. No more lies, no more pretending, nothing but the revelation of your insides to yourself and everyone around you. There is no shame in collapse. Even mountains collapse.

So collapse my dear, the excitement is excruciating and exhausting.

Posted on 2 Comments

She walked

And so she held out her heart in a deserted land where air longed to be breathed. She watched as life stood still as she took off her beauty and undressed her shame. She swallowed the dryness of her past and hollowness of her presence. Nobody in sight, nothing but her own world surrounded her.
She closed her eyes and took to a rythm she barely knew. It soothed her insides, and calmed her nerves. A rythm so continuous she thought closing her eyes for one more day wouldn’t hurt. Yet the thought itself was warm enough to last her a lifetime, and so she opened her eyes and walked.

Posted on Leave a comment

Encountering a Dream

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.

Posted on Leave a comment

Beautiful morning. A space for sanity

I open sun drenched eyes to a blue sky and a haze of early summer. My palms are moist from the grass beneath me. And my cheeks warm and pink from the shameless caress of the sun.
I find myself looking up into vastness and eternity, blue truth and blurred beauty. A still morning.
I smell the cries of the night on the grass under me and the glisten of trees around me. It had been so sad i presume. Yet with the morning, the sun runs all its desire to light the world and save it from the misery of the night.
A beautiful life they say, come get away. A creation in its own and a mystery to the core. A giant success and a painful let down all in one still effortless morning.
So i get up and look around. I look for the door that i had used to enter. This beautiful morning is a state, a situation that i looked for in every pair of eyes i gazed upon. I squeezed it out of every wonder and every smile. I posessed it when i held a loving hand and met a genuine friend.
I love it with all the goodness in me, yet i fear losing my passage to it. For when the chaos grows too inredibly loud i do lose it. I forget where that door to it stood. I imagine it and cry for it. I mourn it.
i search above and beneath me for it everytime. It is never easy to relocate. So one would understand how real i am in that place.
So why am i in such a hurry to leave now that im here?
I love the solitude of it and the simplicity. It speaks so clearly to me, i hear myself unsensored here. So i sit back down, i spread my arms apart and lay my head on the most appealing shade of green grass.
No confusion, no shame, no pride, no stupidity or ignorance.
I close my eyes and rest assured for when i am here, under the vision of clarity and this sweet surrender; the world can wait, it has to. For the sake of my sanity it stands still.