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That Nasty Covid Breakup

man in face mask kissing hand

Did you recently breakup? Did people ask if it had anything to do with covid? Perhaps you shrugged with your blank face and said:” maybe! I don’t know.” People looked back at you quizingly hoping that you let out at least one juicy secret about your ex.

But we both know that you know. No breakup occurs out of thin air, even the ones that seem like they do; well lets just check under that rug shall we?

Im not going to discuss my own recent breakup over this blog post, I think it deserves a few insightful chapters in my glorious book. But no really, I just have some more realistic discernment on the matter, now, let’s get back under that dirty rug.

The Infamous Relationship Rug

As soon as we start a relationship with somebody we buy a metaphorical rug whether we know it or not. It’s a beautiful piece. Imagine a baby blue hand sewn Persian carpet lined with traces of hope and passion and high expectation. You place that rug under your clean feet and start loving and arguing on top of it. Truth is that most of us have to go through some dysfunctional relationships before we get to the gooey healthy ones. So in our dysfunctional relationships we start tucking little problems under the rug very early on.

We secretly think our partner is perfect on some level in the beginning, and my kind of perfect is definitely absolutely different from what you perceive as such. Slowly and unfortunately, as we start falling off those pedestals, we crash into arguments that seem petty. Those silly issues are the first to usually go under that fresh new carpet. What follows are the things you don’t want to deal with, and the questions you have left unanswered about yourself and them. Dysfunctional attachment gets stronger, and our own troubles and demons grow. We might deal with some, that’s granted. The problems however that we choose not to handle pile up and they begin to trip us even when we think nothing is wrong. Call it turning a blind eye.

The Trouble with Dealing with Our Issues

Let’s establish this irrevocable truth:

TO BE REMOTELY CAPABLE OF REAL LOVE FOR OTHERS 
WE MUST LOVE OURSELVES FIRST.

No amount of lovers in the world will convince me of my own worth if I am incapable of feeling it alone. No amount of kind words, kisses and love making will allow me to accept that I am lovable if I firmly believe that I am not worthy of love. Harsh! but real and tested and true.

So we find ourselves stumbling into the breakup of something we once really appreciated and cherished. Reasons may vary like night and day but something always remains, the fear(s).

Breakups are horrible experiences for both parties in a dying relationship, those who choose to leave and those who get left behind. It is the worst!

I will take some liberties in listing some high ranking fears you may have before, during or after the breakup, IF you are not a robot.

The fear of:

  • Abandonment
  • Judgement
  • Being alone…FOREVER
  • Being wrong/ flawed/ imperfect
  • Failure

….and so many more

We cannot really know how good or bad something is for us. The relationship and its breakup were probably both good and bad. Brain tease, I know! But if we consider that most things in life can teach us something then we will put a lot more effort and attention into dealing with our own issues than trying to fix a dysfunctional relationship. We have fears that keep us hidden, and we choose to turn that blind eye sometimes way too often to avoid facing those fears.

So no! Covid probably was NOT the cause of your breakup or that of the neighbors. Being around each other with no distraction, with nothing between you both but that relationship rug will bring all existing issues to your attention.

Just saying, worth a thought.

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Life Lesson: Love Never Lost

I take in a deep breath and refrain from the sigh that usually follows. I glance at the companion of my choice tonight and my cup of coffee never looked as enticing or filling. It is already past midnight and my beautiful selfish mind rises to the occasion dressed in the deepest shades of thought.

My words haven’t been so diverse lately nor has my manner of speaking; and the reason is not a lack of events but a surplus of denial. A denial that a change once injected into a lifestyle needs time to take over. A denial that i haven’t been honest with these pages or with myself. A denial that no matter how much i repeat that i am OK, it will not suffice. A denial that giving up a piece of myself was as easy as typing Goodbye.

This is where i decide to come clean. My cup of liquid insomnia is filled up to the rim; enough to consume the night every sip at a time, and face a moon i have been hiding away from for a while now.

Truth is: I made a decision that i do not regret. I changed my life because i needed to, because i knew the path i was on was not mine. I probably baffle and confuse anybody who attempts to listen to me because one cannot explain abstract convictions to people who dwell on the practical. Maybe my trace of crazy finally came out and limped too frantically and frighteningly in front of people. Maybe losing what i lost means finding what i am bound to live for. All i know is that no matter how absurd our decisions could sound to our audiences, they remain at the end of the day our own, they become treasured possessions that nobody can ever take away.

I thought for too long, i lived inside my head believing that i can construct a world of my own free of damage, clear of trouble; and i was wrong. It turns out that the person living in my own world was not the same person living in everybody else’s. It turns out i was leading a double life of double thinking without even knowing it. It turns out i put out the biggest act without even auditioning. Everything i had written on those pages was truth for me except i could never say it so clearly in words. And so i hid, and i kept to myself, my inhibitions grew and my head became more crowded until i eventually broke.

The spill was too immense, too overwhelming, it was ground breaking and life changing. The decision to get out of my own constructed world left nothing unharmed and the person in question utterly confused.

I write tonight though my heart aches and my back breaks. I write tonight empty of love but full of courage to own up to my actions and speak about my decisions. I write tonight in need of redemption and in pursuit of peace. I write tonight trying to merge my construct of the world with the real one. I write in acknowledgement of a relationship so worthy of my truth and my honesty. I write to the stars that shine; though they are empty of life their light endlessly remains.

We are worthy of love. And even when love no longer lives inside a relationship it remains in the moments past and the words shared. We never lose love because it is never ours. We find love and it might evade us to be found somewhere else where it is more comfortable, where love is happy and not ill. We are worthy of love. It is whole it is eternal. Sometimes we taste bits of it sometimes we receive doses that last us a lifetime. It is everywhere all we need to do is just let it in.

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For you dad,

You were a young man then, i was a baby wearing brown fur overalls. It was winter, everything white and clear. You wrote my name in the snow with your footsteps. I do not remember that, but i watched it on a video tape years after and it stuck in my head. And I find you there every time.

You gave us so much, more than i can ever thank you for, or even come close to equating. I dare speak of independence and individuality when i owe you so much. You do not admit so many things, you find yourself in your own space, your own terms and your own definitions of life.

I realize there is so much that is yet to be achieved in our family, when different things were broken, huge others were mended. I always identified with you, in your silence, and your words; always made an impact on me even as a child.

You have so much to offer to the world, and to the people around you, and when i see you embracing that it gives me personal satisfaction and fulfillment. I have a need to see you happy and content. I would do the near impossible to make you proud and im sure my brothers feel the same.

I say i am your daughter with pride because it directly and magically reflects all your good qualities unto me. Whenever i hear someone speaking of you, as the educator, the adviser, the gentleman, the honest man, the respectful man, the righteous and honorable man; i feel overwhelmed for those are rarely said about one person in our times.

I understand you, even when you think i don’t, i listen to your words and read between the lines; i suppose that is what daughters tend to do. But i feel with you as a person, you are a giver so selflessly and kindly to whoever is in need. I find myself writing things that might be rather hard to say, but i cannot let you believe that if i don’t say something then i don’t feel it. At least that is what i learned from you.

You are my father and my mentor whether in your actions or your words, i do listen to you and i consider pleasing you as one of my goals. eventually, it is the relationships that we form with each other that will carry us through good and hard times. I am getting older yet i see myself as a little girl in your eyes. You will never let me fall, and if you do, it would be your way of teaching me how to face life.

No matter what happens in life, and no matter where we go, i believe i will forever owe you the honor and the pride i have. You gave more than you might ever imagine. I will always be there when you ask for me, whether it is because you want to lecture me or just talk. I will be there; we all will.

Just as you carried me around 20 years ago and wrote my name in snow, i will carry your name, your lessons and your love and imprint them everywhere i leave a good impression. You will find yourself in my achievements just as i found myself in you. I am so much like you and i know all i need is to grow into that greatness.

Thank you baba for everything you have ever done, and will ever do for us. If i happen to disappoint you i will find my way back to making you proud, and when i do, you will be my side hopefully overwhelmed by the joy of finding your own leading their lives in the best ways possible.

We Love you dad, we are geeks too :)) obviously

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Existential pointlessness.

I don’t know why i run here every time; every single time i find myself writing as though my mind cries here and lays all its worries and the weight of the world; right here. I find myself creating and expressing what i cannot spell out as eloquently to anyone, at least not without breaking apart.

So i need and long and want so much, just as so many others do. But it is rare that i admit such weaknesses. It is rare that i stand and give myself out so bare and undisguised. It takes faith, it takes belief and belonging to give yourself out in such manner to anyone. how do you trust? how do you know? how do you believe what anyone says to you? for what is deceit in the end of the day but a let down from someone you trusted. So simple yet so damaging.

Then come love, the greatest confusion of all. the strongest and most liberating yet suffocating situation one can ever fall into. The impossible becomes a plan, and a very plausible one which will get you even more tangled in the thoughts, limitations and benefits of such commitment. It builds you bigger and stronger. But it keeps grabbing you by the neck, any wrong move you make or even more simply the moment it decides to leave, it breaks your neck, along with everything else that was. You then are left. Simple.

What is it? what is it that drives us to such destructive situations? We dive so willfully and joyfully as though experience has not slapped us right in the face over and over. Is it that pathetic need for belonging that makes us so weak as to want to relate to anything and everything. A believer relates to God, for he has found the most glorious bond. But isn’t that nothing but a psychological man-made relationship? A lover relates to his beloved, for he has figured out eternal passion; at least until one of them decides to leave. So what is divine in such finished a world? What is pure and true? What is genuine but a sad truth? What truth is there when we are children of conflict and death? Who is right and who is wrong?

What is forever, but a longing for the impossible? When do we give up and realize the joke of it all? When do we own up to our fear of never knowing and admit that there is no point but what we decide to make of it.

So we go to the secret places inside our minds and souls, we hide all our doubts and pains inside, lock up and get out to the world. Nothing but because people do not like misery, they love happiness and simplicity, they love aloofness and everything physical. They run away from the real abstract and end up living in one they have made up and imagined all alone. They close the doors behind them and forget where they hid their secret place. They shy away from hard truths and embrace simple instinctual habits. They have no need for existential bullshit. For life is no more but being born suddenly opening your eyes to a world you have not chosen to enter, you then are blessed with a brain that gets developed and screwed with by people and emotions. You then exit the way you entered unasked and unwelcome.

Life is a liability, death is not a choice either. So exit as you came in, bare and frail. Fragile to the core but with a brain made just to piss you off, some sort of teaser. It gets you places but then there is no way back , you can never not know something you know. It is there forever more.

So at the end of the day you end up writing about some existential pointlessness on a very commercial blog, which will probably never get you anywhere in life.

I end this with saying, the greatest joys come from simple minds and imagination.

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What is a woman?

She lowers her voice, goes into an almost silent harmony of singing me to sleep. I could still feel her hand on my hair petting me as though i am still not more than her baby girl.
I close my eyes for that is the safest in the world i will ever be. That is where i have always and will forever belong; physically, mentally, metaphysically and emotionally, with her.
She thinks i dove into sleep, but i was savoring the silence while fully conscious of the moment and her presence.
I shared her life, i completely changed her, simply by existing. I watched her and followed her, i cried for her and laughed with her. I listened to her, i heard her. She was the woman who trained me to be myself, and by that a very similar version of her.
I saw her not as a mother but a person with dreams, hope and pain. I walked with her even ran to catch up; she made me.
What is a woman?
A woman loves, adores, risks and feels. She thinks, doubts, calculates, follows logic and her heart.
A woman cures and heals, she fixes the wreckage within men and other women. She picks others up but can destroy too. She has powers beyond reason. A woman is furious and insane.
A woman is intelligent and eloquent.
A woman smiles to let things go, she does not nag or worry aloud, a woman is responsible for her own problems and needs. A woman understands herself in order to contain others.
A woman is her and i. A woman is what was presented to me, a real show of endurance, dedication and truth.
A woman is still singing me to sleep though she has no one to sing for her. A woman does not pet me, she surrounds me; within and without.
The never ending song in my life..