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Bed time story for adults

Alone in bed at night, you stare at the ceiling, one breath in, but it stops half way through and it erupts into a muted sigh. Your heart beat is heavy so is your world. You need to close your eyes, sleep is the most important action right now. Except you know, that wont happen, your mind is too anxious, so many thoughts, events and roles underplayed during the day. You should have done more, you should have said something, you should have acted.

It is silly really, all the thoughts, words pushing and elbowing each other in order to make it to the finish line, topped by a long banner with the word TRUTH inscribed. But in that race, truth is not the finish line that your thoughts are racing for. The finish line is a bed time story you tell yourself about the life your are leading. And we all know baby, bed time stories are only stories after all; and nothing in them is real.

See, the fear of waking up feeling unaccomplished and miserable comes from a deep consciousness that you keep muffling after every chapter in your bed time story. Not doing what you really want, going to a job you hate, marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons, staying in an abusive relationship, accepting unfairness in your daily life in every form, all will pile up with time, especially if you always have that quiet little voice saying “I really don’t want this“.  And when that pile becomes too large, no amount of stories will be able to hold it. The pile will become too real, your life will become too real, too late. 

Resolutions for the new year are almost always broken, not because people don’t want the change, but because people are too afraid of it, and are too lazy for reality, and would rather go back to their bed time stories by February. Waking up once and for all is exhausting if you are so used to snoozing that alarm. So you snooze 2017, and you might snooze 2018, and live your life on snooze, bored and missing out on the day, and unable to sleep at night.

How wonderful would it be if you could place your head on your pillow tonight knowing that you did one thing right, one thing that did not have you thinking “I really don’t want this“? How would you feel if you woke up in the morning with an anticipation for the day, where the traffic will not bother you enough to ruin your day, nor will a few hiccups along the way? How would it feel to live your life slowly, where when people complain, you say you are grateful for the things that you have, and work on the negatives?

Nobody will change your life for you. So get to it.

 

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Our life 

So as far as I know, time has not stopped yet. I approach the second half of my twenties with everything and almost nothing figured out all at once. For starters, the worst days end, and so do the best. I am grateful for both. Somehow we sail through, both too silently and all too chaotically as though we get to do this all over again differently. 

Some days are so similar that I lose all meaning between days of the week. So I make a decision to remember minute details like the smell of the freshly watered sidewalk or the white dust on a construction worker’s hands. And then when I think back I realize that those days and those thoughts will add up to being my week, then my month and eventually my year. So why does it matter? Because I get to recognize elements of my story as it is happening, and believe it or not there is some wonder in that. 

For a second I get overcome by a sense of melancholy, a fleeting realization that this right here, right now is it, for the time being it is all I have. But then I submerge my mind with presence, with absolute existence, being drenched in reality and still having the ability to step away from it is what makes us human. It is what conscious human life offers us, all we get to do is choose, maybe even simply dance in between our life, and the story we tell ourself about it. 

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Try Human

I press my palm on a dream and I turn the world off to hear its heartbeat. It is still alive tonight, as it was lifetimes ago. It doesn’t age and it doesn’t stop, it flows and extends its limbs as far as we want it to. It dances with our shadows and shelters our egos, until we gather enough courage to pick it up, dress it warm and elope with it.

I place my dream next to me every night, and I listen to it hum a melody as I plan our departure, our great adventure. I get light headed and my plans grow too loud for a night in love with silence, so i pull the covers over our heads and i turn on a flashlight. We practice accents and personas, we imagine vast fields of green and northern lights over our heads. We trek volcanoes and we float in sky reflecting waters. Heartbeats and breaths grow deeper and softer, we sink lower into the wilderness of light within us, until we can no longer hear our own doubts and fears. We leap out of the night and into a surreal world.

I peek onto the lives of those surrounding me and I wish I could show them their own little dreams hiding beneath their voices and under their beds, with heartbeats as strong as drums but muffled with an unnecessary vicious reality. I watch my days pass and I fear that i could someday forget where my own dream resides, but i write to remind myself that mine exists in this space i have created as soon as i realized how powerful reality is. I saved my dream and I practiced reality to the best of my knowledge, and though i still fail sometimes, and though i lose myself often; I know where to find myself once and again.

I know that wonder strikes even the best of us, and that awe fills the heart of every human who allows it passage. I know that we are never really ready to let go, and that bloody knuckles and broken wrists are signs of strength to some. We have needs beyond our grasp, and we are human beyond our control. We live as though we are here for ever, as though we have nothing to lose. We live looking back, and looking forward. We tuck our dreams away for the good days when we can actually have time for them. Except may be we shouldn’t wait. Except maybe eloping right now is giving your self the best life you will ever know. Maybe all you need, right here and right now is to let go of doubt, fear and judgement, and wake to a life completely made for you.

 

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Look Up 

Tones, tunes, and tongues whisper and whimper at the edges of my ears. I roam so free within but oh so chained without. 

I keep this head up, centered exactly where it should be at all times, I do not let it fall. There is not much space for mistakes, and I do not feel comfortable with that. What is life if not a load of fortunate and miserable mistakes? 

I rarely look up into the sky here, and when I do I admire it for a few seconds then look away. It makes me feel ashamed, as though I should be looking at it from a different place. 

I have time but not a lot of it. I have days that are so identical, they feel like a single day fragmented into equal pieces and distributed over envious months to avoid jealousy. 

I have high hopes, so high and so bright that they scare my skin into a sweat, and my mind into a dream. 

I enter those thoughts wary of being caught, careful not to wake anyone up. I walk into that hope and the gratitude is overwhelming and humbling. I find that my words make sense and my eyes see clearer. My world looks fantastic beside that hope. I carry that with me as I walk back out escorted by responsibility and reality. They put me into my bed and tuck me in as I set the alarm for the next morning. I take a glimpse of my bright future and I close my eyes to end my day and prepare for the next. 

Things aren’t so bad, they are so great either. I have a firm back bone and some sturdy feet and they keep me moving. I am not afraid, I am hopeful. I am facing and not escaping; I just am constantly in pursuit of that silver lining. 

I will try to look at the sky tonight and relax my neck for a change. Maybe all I have to do is dare to look up and find myself again. 

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Colorless

I paint my lips the color of indifference and I stare at my pale face. Today I’m not making any effort, not for myself or anyone for that matter. Colorlessness suits me.
Lost, but I keep moving. Lazy and obnoxious, I let everything go; I genuinely do not care. Pointlessness remains a headline for my daily life regardless how sparkly it might seem for spectators; it remains spotless, bottomless and boring.
Purpose is still just a word; and words are nothing but excuses that when put together in a slightly aesthetic way, might shield our absence. I am afraid I could be falling out of love with words. Unnecessary shields of our temporary realities; which we so comprehensively dismiss.
So really, corrupt me in every way. Perhaps I need no walls, I need no doors or structure. Let it all fall I have no place for it anymore. I decided to break tonight. So flood me, and I want to see what parts of me surface.

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How to Dream

 

Make your way through the faces and the traces of doubt and debris. Flip through the pages and don’t mourn wasted ink or forgotten places. Excuse yourself from all expectations and indulge in the world of possibility. Freefall, absolutely weightless and let the gravity of dreams devour you. Understand that reality is only contrasted with vast, uninhibited, insane dreams. Understand that you must allow yourself to wander off so vaguely and lightly into that land. Understand that the only way one truly lives is by being wildly inspired by those dreams and possibilities. Let the charm of enchantment completely uplift you worlds above consciousness and reality. Get so close, give into the helpless magnetism of magic. Close your eyes and rest, you dont need physical senses for this journey. Wait for the shock under your skin, hold your breath for the insanity that will feverishly fill every space within you. You are not hollow here, you are not vacant.
Savour the assymatry of your thoughts and the chaos of your emotions, experience being shackled in the embrace of countless loving arms. Let it boil, let your nerves charge with a confusion they have never dealt with before. Understand the convergance between dreams and reality as they lock simultaneously in one touch out of every world known to you.

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Where my world ends.

Under so many skies and genuine timelessness, existed a place on this earth. Fairytales and unicorns had never been there, neither had good music or pretty faces. It was burnt to the ground and nothing lived there. It dressed its death with white and colored its ugliness pink. The oil amongst that land was named water and the idiots who had given up their minds to that nothingness were called people.
That tiny spot painted its lands green when ash was the center of it all. Against that green, other colors looked better and so that place gained beauty and fame. That place choked on the inside but pretended that skies were naturally blue. That place got thicker and denser, yet the filth always seemed to seep through the fake moulds created.
The pretty faces were not real, the men were void of the truth and of honor, and the minds of both genders melted into extremes of dullness or pride. All the real information was drowned and out came the stupid quotes and the tarnished banners of love and respect for that place.
Then came the people who served a great power named God and they told the dim minded what to think about everything. They said different things to different people, when the main message was all the same. They promised those boys and girls the greatest worldly pleasures and they swore on their lives. Somehow it all made sense, only because they never really understood and they presumed that the others did.
Their pride then played itself out when they went on fighting who understood best. Many believed in what they fought for, they hoped that God knows their intentions and they died for him, leaving behind the greatest stories ever told. Except, God was claimed to have been in every story, and he supported each group for their worldly gains. Each group said that God was theirs’ and on their side.
There, came a voice asking. Simply and not rhetorically. Is God on everyone’s side? How is that possible? Then who are the enemies? Does God enjoy experiments ? Does God laugh at one group and with another? Wait, wait..WAIT. Who is lying here?
Everyone suddenly broke into silence, and instead of finding answers to all those questions, they laughed and stabbed the voice quiet. And then said, God is with us.
After fighting for a very long time, those dim minded people decided that they needed to talk and work things out. The biggest and strongest, the richest and most victorious discussed and cut up the lands on earth. They decided who takes what, but did not give their word, they kept all options open and invented a game called diplomacy.
And time passed then ended and passed again then ended, consistently time lapsed. The idiots who had become people, dressed better and talked better, they learned in schools and expensive universities. Others had poor lives and barely lived to be middle aged people. Yet they all believed in God, each in their own way. And until today, The truth rarely gets mentioned and that old voice barely gets heard.
None of those people considered that that voice, was God himself. He had rested his silence but they refused to listen, they killed that voice and played on their own. They spoke on behalf of God and it was never going to end. Not now not ever, because eventually and essentially, that land had always been empty and shredded apart. The skies were only bright when creatures were true to their existence and mortality. Pride ate the heads of the idiots and they really thought they controlled everything. They thought they knew.