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An Unrehearsed Dance

Surprising lights burn every sensation she has ever compiled over the years. No shadow scares her as it used to now that she found brilliance and pride. She sheds her worries as the lights glow brighter and the sound glorifies her chaotic soul. No more pain lives in her world, and no more fear courts her at night. She spins without control, and begins to rotate. No one else, no one will ever know the crevices she has within her walls. No one will unravel the mysteries she has chosen to keep for her own entertainment. No one will answer the questions she has decided to label rhetoric. She turns around with arms wide open to an empty space that has never been so welcoming of her physical presence. No more void steps, or blind spots. She has made her choice to live recklessly and without any wreckage. On her own but not alone, not defeated. She opens her eyes as her steps become less rehearsed, and to her surprise, nothing looks familiar, but beauty surrounds her, it composes the symphonies she thought she would never hear again. And when every sensation rids itself of sedation and gasps for air again, her soul, her mind and her being all awaken into an ecstasy of life, of actually breathing and consciously realizing the weakness of being human, and power behind such a realization.
She shyly finds herself sneaking a smile, except this time it is a joy springing inside out.

No illusion surrounds her existence on this page, but a proficiency is needed in understanding the terror, contradiction and comfort of picturing this youthfull soul dancing so shamelessly to the insanity of an ancient mind.

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For you dad,

You were a young man then, i was a baby wearing brown fur overalls. It was winter, everything white and clear. You wrote my name in the snow with your footsteps. I do not remember that, but i watched it on a video tape years after and it stuck in my head. And I find you there every time.

You gave us so much, more than i can ever thank you for, or even come close to equating. I dare speak of independence and individuality when i owe you so much. You do not admit so many things, you find yourself in your own space, your own terms and your own definitions of life.

I realize there is so much that is yet to be achieved in our family, when different things were broken, huge others were mended. I always identified with you, in your silence, and your words; always made an impact on me even as a child.

You have so much to offer to the world, and to the people around you, and when i see you embracing that it gives me personal satisfaction and fulfillment. I have a need to see you happy and content. I would do the near impossible to make you proud and im sure my brothers feel the same.

I say i am your daughter with pride because it directly and magically reflects all your good qualities unto me. Whenever i hear someone speaking of you, as the educator, the adviser, the gentleman, the honest man, the respectful man, the righteous and honorable man; i feel overwhelmed for those are rarely said about one person in our times.

I understand you, even when you think i don’t, i listen to your words and read between the lines; i suppose that is what daughters tend to do. But i feel with you as a person, you are a giver so selflessly and kindly to whoever is in need. I find myself writing things that might be rather hard to say, but i cannot let you believe that if i don’t say something then i don’t feel it. At least that is what i learned from you.

You are my father and my mentor whether in your actions or your words, i do listen to you and i consider pleasing you as one of my goals. eventually, it is the relationships that we form with each other that will carry us through good and hard times. I am getting older yet i see myself as a little girl in your eyes. You will never let me fall, and if you do, it would be your way of teaching me how to face life.

No matter what happens in life, and no matter where we go, i believe i will forever owe you the honor and the pride i have. You gave more than you might ever imagine. I will always be there when you ask for me, whether it is because you want to lecture me or just talk. I will be there; we all will.

Just as you carried me around 20 years ago and wrote my name in snow, i will carry your name, your lessons and your love and imprint them everywhere i leave a good impression. You will find yourself in my achievements just as i found myself in you. I am so much like you and i know all i need is to grow into that greatness.

Thank you baba for everything you have ever done, and will ever do for us. If i happen to disappoint you i will find my way back to making you proud, and when i do, you will be my side hopefully overwhelmed by the joy of finding your own leading their lives in the best ways possible.

We Love you dad, we are geeks too :)) obviously

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Beautiful morning. A space for sanity

I open sun drenched eyes to a blue sky and a haze of early summer. My palms are moist from the grass beneath me. And my cheeks warm and pink from the shameless caress of the sun.
I find myself looking up into vastness and eternity, blue truth and blurred beauty. A still morning.
I smell the cries of the night on the grass under me and the glisten of trees around me. It had been so sad i presume. Yet with the morning, the sun runs all its desire to light the world and save it from the misery of the night.
A beautiful life they say, come get away. A creation in its own and a mystery to the core. A giant success and a painful let down all in one still effortless morning.
So i get up and look around. I look for the door that i had used to enter. This beautiful morning is a state, a situation that i looked for in every pair of eyes i gazed upon. I squeezed it out of every wonder and every smile. I posessed it when i held a loving hand and met a genuine friend.
I love it with all the goodness in me, yet i fear losing my passage to it. For when the chaos grows too inredibly loud i do lose it. I forget where that door to it stood. I imagine it and cry for it. I mourn it.
i search above and beneath me for it everytime. It is never easy to relocate. So one would understand how real i am in that place.
So why am i in such a hurry to leave now that im here?
I love the solitude of it and the simplicity. It speaks so clearly to me, i hear myself unsensored here. So i sit back down, i spread my arms apart and lay my head on the most appealing shade of green grass.
No confusion, no shame, no pride, no stupidity or ignorance.
I close my eyes and rest assured for when i am here, under the vision of clarity and this sweet surrender; the world can wait, it has to. For the sake of my sanity it stands still.

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What they dont teach us…

She put some of her perfume on me and she smiled, you are way beyond your years dear she said. When a few hours back i was described as one of the best things anyone could call you: genuine.
Genuine, telling the truth and meaning it with no false pretences. This has become rare apparently.
Maybe between all the sorrow, disappointment, pain and double standards lay reality. Reality will shred us apart and drain us into either depressed intellectuals or shallow idiots.
Whichever side you end up in is a result of a harsh truth. Nothing lasts, not even you.
We long for some certainty. We seek it even in our darkest hours. The certainty tames us and is reason for us to deal with life on some condition that we will be payed back.
But experience and thoughtfulness kill certainty and breed its opposite.
There we feel the chill, the coldness of reality and sheer humanity. We want to hold on to anything whether emotion, a person, an idea or a state of mind. We seek to define ourselves through them.
The fragility of being human wrecks us because we sheild it with pride. We sheild with so many facades until we lose touch completely.
Until someone or something comes along and tells you to release yourself. There you find those sheilds falling to the ground, you start feeling your fragility again and it terrifies you.
To realize that it is okay to be a fragile human, to need and long for value, to find yourself in the midst of horror standing your ground and owning up to your nature, to split yourself from all others and realize your value to yourself and to others; to absolutely rid yourself of the weight of the world and reality is what they dont teach us in schools, and what our parents failed to show us.
So maybe in a small corner in your soul hides an innocence maybe a belief or a truth. Find that and create.