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The choice

What happens when you pause? When you are drenched in a moment, be it of grace or of hurt and pain, what happens if you can just pause it and exit for a second?

What happens if you pause a moment of suffering and step out of that frame and look at yourself? What would you see?

I cannot answer for you, but I can answer that question for myself.

I am terrified in the moments leading up to the pause, I do not want to stop, I become the pain, I become the illness I become the anger, the fear and the suffering. It takes courage and unrelenting faith to split from myself. The act of forming space, creating distance between what you feel and what you truly are is agonizing and foreign. How could it be that I am not pain if it is all that I can possibly think about and feel? How is it possible to separate myself from my sick body or from my worried mind. What if this is it? What if i don’t live forever, what if I am not healthy forever, what if I lose everything that makes me who I am? What if I am a victim of the suffering, and there is nothing I can do about it?

The path towards self destruction is paved by our own hands before anybody else’s. 

But, there is a way out. All the what ifs are then stopped by one thought: if so, let it be, but I am not the suffering nor am I its victim. Upon that recognition, I overcome the fear, I release myself. I become an agent, no longer a victim. And in that split second, that pause is a transformation and a triumph.

Dwelling in that pause, and pulling yourself up requires practice and requires patience. There are no shortcuts. The fear will always remain, so will our strength to overcome. It is essentially all a choice, every second of every day.

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Comfort Space

I peer out of this room, and suddenly nobody remembers my name. Suddenly four birthdays have passed since I last had a dream. Suddenly, I did not know where I had been. 

Friends and family attempt to make life easier, and sometimes they do. But for the most part, things get tough, the world gets heavy, and reality gets messy. So you bring together forces of nature and some technology in hopes of becoming a person good at living. You look at people a little more gently, and you judge a little less too. You smile more intently, and your words become fewer too. You are summed up by the kindness you put out because not much of it is out there around you. Not much goodness, at least not as much as you hoped you’d see. 

You learn that waking up is mandatory, and going to sleep is a vacation. You listen to the world in its fullness and in its hollow spaces, and you’re silence is echoed through. Rainfall gets romantic, in the literary sense and in the realistic one. Some people are hurt by the rain when you get to fall in love. Some people are not like you, and they have different perceptions of the world. They do however get to love too. 

I step back into my room, and I realize nothing ever stops and waits for me to be ready. All that time, it has passed, and somebody may have put it to better use than I have. Nothing seizes, nobody rests. The motion is continuous and all we’ve got to do is pack up nice, put on some sturdy boots, stand up straight and simply move. 

I hug my comfort to sleep, and I push the blankets below our feet. Tomorrow will be a better day.

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A shy eulogy

I had not thought of you or even said your name in a very long time; until today when I found out you died.
I feel bad, I am hurt, and unamused by all the coverage your death is receiving. I am not accepting or giving condolences on your behalf because you are simply somebody that I used to know.I had no stake in your life and I have none in your death. I am sorry that you won’t be here tomorrow. I truly am.
I am unaware of your life and your deepest desires. I have no idea what your favorite color was or whether you ever found love. I cannot ask you why you made the choices you did. But I can just mourn the loss of you as an old high school friend.
You don’t symbolize any political agenda or ideology. Your name doesn’t cause any deep revolutionary need in me. Your life is as foreign to me as mine was to yours. But you still belong somewhere somehow in a world of the innocent, the forgiving and the free. You are not an idea or a symbol, you are not a weapon.
You were A human worthy of a long beautiful life; and I don’t think that admitting that is of any insult to you.
I am sorry today was your last, you are surrounded with grace now.
May peace be upon you

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To Friendship

Let’s take ourselves back to that freedom of a young summer so forgiving of our limitations. Let’s stay in that fast car and dream of endless music. Let this companionship rest its head because we will not let go. Let it discover you softly and lift your soul as it whispers and fixes you. Let it see you and light your every step without permission just like sunshine brightens a dark day.
Let’s face this world and leave no stone unturned. Let’s go on a limp and jump right in together. Let’s hush the noise of a complicated world and be young for today, brave for tomorrow and wise for eachother.
When we leave dont be sad. When we seperate dont worry. When tomorrow comes dont cry. When the noise gets louder dont scream and when the day fades don’t lose faith.
You are powerful and you are courageous. You are blinding light and flowing energy. You float and you make peace with every soul you meet. Do not deny yourself the potential of an overabundant heart so eager to love and to give. Do not undermine the passion you contain and the joy you spread. Do not close your eyes to a life so full of beauty thirsty for your sight.
I think of all of you as i write wanting to ignite those flames and start a fire in your shy souls. I think of myself and i write to remind myself there is no going back.
So shine my loves and give this world what it needs. Open your hearts and release your pains never hold them in. Take the leap even if it seems too far down, just take a step back, press your feet and run forward, let your blood boil with excitement and soar with life.
Let’s remember the trance and the moments, let’s find eachother around every corner and beneath every fear, let’s not be defeated by people or expectations or poisonous words. Let’s make a pact that we will live so viciously and marvelously, our journeys will be nothing but extraordinary.

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بالعربي خلص

قررت انو اكتب بالعربي لانو شكلك ما كنت عم تفهم بالاجنبي. اذا انتا شيعي لِاجري، سني لاِجري و حتا مسيحي لاِجري؛ و كل شي بالنص لاِجري. عم جرّب خليك تعصب بما انو انتا انسان متعصب. و يمكن تكرهني كتير بس شو فرقت معي؟ هيك هيك منّك طايقني و لا طايق طايفتي ولا ديني ولا وطني ولا عقلي. هيك هيك عم تزعجني.
انتا مفكّر الدّنيا خلقت من تفكير لبناني متلك؟ يا حبيبي الدنيا اكبر منك و مني بكتير. كرامتك مشكلتك بس و مش مشكلتي، صدقني ما حدا فارقة معو انت شو حاسس او شو رايك. صوتك الك و حقك معك، ما عندك شي تثبتو لحدا. كرمال هيك ما تصرّخ بغبا و تزعجني.
لبنان ما بحياتو حدا بيحكي في، مين مكذّب عليك و مخبرك انو الشمس بططلع من قفا لبناني. بعرف صعبي تحس انك ولا شي بس هاي هِيي الفكرة. فيك ترفع راسك بس كرمال هيك ما بتلحِّق ترفعو الّا و بيجي زعيم بيِدعَسَك.
مين موكلك تحكي نيابةً عن الاموات؟ اِنّو كلبناني عندك وساءل اتصال غير شكل؟ ما انتا وقت شي و شي بتحكي. كل العالم خوَنة هون مني عم بفهم عشو المشكل؟ ناس مع اميركا و ناس مع ايران، انو عادي. لشو كلو حامل السلم بالعرض ما هيي وساخة لبنانية اصلية كيف ما برمتا.
مفكر الدنيا بتدور حوله، كرمال هيك عقلو ناقص. بيتضحك بس حدا يهينو متل الاهبل، و بعدين بيسمع الكلمة متل الشاطر.
كل واحد ناطر التاني يروح على جهنم و مفكر حالو بس هُوًّي رايح على الجنة. بس اذا الشيعي رايح عالجنة و السني طالع عالجني والمسيحي واصل عالجنة؛ كيف رح يتفقو فوق، شو انو هِيي لعبة منذكر بعض؟ انو رح تتصالحو فوق؟ والله كيف؟
كل واحد مات، مات. ما بدا ذكاء الا اذا الله موكلكن انبياء.

This is not what politics or religion is about. This disgusting and trashy arrogance that everyone deals with needs defusion and fixing. This sexual and mental frustration is being imploded with absurd comments and speeches from socially handicapped individuals. In the times of hardship the people stand against political corruption you morons, and not try and burn all bridges down. You have a responsibility towards every breath you take to be thankful for peace and not instill violence and war you idiots.
When your mothers die or fathers or anyone you love, it would be your fault because you injected hate into the faint hearts of poor people with distorted judgements. If you work harder and give back to society, this disintegration in the flawed logic of people will be slowly fixed.
Except i do not think anyone will rise above this, because you all have so many internal conflicts with identity and nationality, that none of you feels they belong anywhere. Nothing will ever wake you up, until you bury your children one day in this shit hole, god forsaken country.

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The only one

The only one. The beauty and posession of it. The peace and horror interlocked into one entity. The only one and the intensity of it, the anarchy within sensing the mortality of that human.
The only one, the immense make believe of it, the shattering fairytale and longing in the most desperate sense.
The whole world for a moment shoots itself into a gaze of endlessness. The need for hopefulness and appreciation. The only one to love your insanity and appreciate your truth. The only one to fall to his knees for you, begging you for immortality.
The only one to be of constant use, never to think of you as disposable. The closeness and physical adoration for one.
The moment with only one to turn your world upside down and inward out. To excite you and shatter your dreams into reality.
The bitterness of really understanding, knowing and accepting that The only one exists only in a moment not a lifetime.

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Seeking security in an unsecure world; food for thought

The article by Robert E. Williams and Dan Caldwell, “Seeking security in an unsecure world” discusses war between the reasoning behind it, the ways it is done and the morality in all those means. The article presents the idea that the just war tradition claims that killing people will lead to saving and preserving lives. As in war is a means to achieve better peace. That article made me think:

If I want to think about it according to my own logic, the mere beginning with the idea that war is necessary is reason enough to go to war. If we assume that all other alternatives will not achieve our goals properly; then war and the use of force would seem like the most critical and effective way of action eventually.  However, doubting the need for war in the first place is what puts the issue of morality in chains and in question. For if we believe that killing is immoral and unjust on a small-scale then how can we support the act of war which consists of mass killing. In that case I believe there is hypocrisy in saying it becomes relative. When killing one person is out of the question then killing hundreds is not justifiable. With that being said I do not dismiss the human nature which implies self-defense and survival. Therefore initiating the action is not the same as receiving it.

The article gives insight around this topic and through quoting Michael Walzer it established a certain distinction. However I would like to note that Walzer seems like he has put the ground point as that war is inevitable and necessary when other alternatives fail, because he is giving justification and reason to its presence. Walzer says that war is divided into two parts the reason behind its doing and the way it is done. I agree with that if we begin from the idea that war is inevitable, for carrying on the act of war with the least amount of casualties for example makes it more just. Or going to war because a state’s sovereignty was attacked could be reasonable.

On a personal note, I believe that going to war means that a country is either absolutely sure about rising victorious out of it, or because they have nothing more to lose. If we process this idea, we might find that if two equal powers hit each other it is impossible for one to win over the other. There must be a certain discrepancy in those 2 warring sides in order for one to come out triumphant over the other. So no matter the reason for war or the way it might be done, countries reach points were they might do anything to come out winning or else they will have to bear the costs of the so called-one sided-“peace”. Countries therefore end up fighting until no sign of hope is apparent. Different wars have resulted in crimes against humanity or war criminals, or the use of illegal weapons and so on. The problem is after the end the damage is done, some win and some lose but the people who have lost their lives are no longer there to hear how governments are justifying or condemning their deaths.