Everyday I start over, everyday I give it a rest then I try my best to not think about how I’m starting and not finishing. I am not finishing anything; not thoughts, nor books or conversations; I don’t even finish a lie to myself. So I start again until I can stop and tie all loose ends, bound my boxes and pack my suitcases and try to finish my day somewhere better.
It’s all pressed to my chest, all the desires, the hopes and the fears. I have them stapled to my clothes and I am lost in the baggiest dress I have ever slipped into. I am lost below the color fades and the heated fabric. There is more yet to come and I am bound to grow back into my own skin.
I do not know how to disappear, I do not feel. I am. Once again, I am everything I attempt to be with the power I have today. Sometimes I’m big sometimes I’m small and I cannot help but changing sizes and switching sides. I cannot contain my joy and I have no limits to my fears. Where are the lids, the joints and the limbs that people talk about? I have so much composure yet I do not know where it begins and where I end. I have no recollection of poise in my mind. That is why I thank my face daily- I would have never made it this long if it weren’t for my unbelievably helpful body. It truly is my blessing. If I were to live as a brain alone I would have exploded such a long time ago into a billion and one thoughts scattered like freckles on an insecure beautiful little girl’s face.
When my day is almost gone and I look at a lost October and a past birthday I feel the gravity of my company and the sweetness of my senses as they allow me the coziness of a night fully mine and a darkness too loving and genuinely present.
It’s all happening as I write believe it or not, it’s all in my mind, the words right before I write them, and the thoughts right before I think them. I am just as aware as the second girl you meet. I do not know how to be anything else.
Every time I mistake myself for a fully understood and past project I surprise myself again and I crack a joke to ease the awkwardness of meeting a new friend, or foe for that matter.
Someday, some way, I suppose things ought to change. They always do. I always find my way, I’m sure you do too. I’m not just a brain after all, my home is my body too. And it’s exactly where I’d like to sleep.
Goodnight little girl, at least for the night. Lay that trouble free head of yours on this cartoon pillow and lose yourself in dreams.
Sleep well little girl, at least for today. Pull that blanket up to your ears and hide from the dark because you can. Rest assured there is someone in the next room who will instantly scare your monsters away. There is no nightmare you can have that cannot be countered by a lullaby. There is no fear you might develop that cannot be hugged away. So let the comfort of home untangle your hair and clear your skin because after all little princess, that is what home is for.
See little girl one day you might suddenly find yourself at night. In a bed that is not your own, on a pillow made of stone; in a place that you’ll never call home. And during that night, you will slowly realize that your monsters are all around and your fears have no sound. As you cower into your own, a little princess scared of the dark will look out and see that she is alone. And that little girl, is when you make one of two choices.
Either run back home into a bed you have overgrown, or stay and chase your own monsters away. Whichever you choose, will forever define the next day.
Warmth makes its way down my toes as i squish them further into the sand. It then flashes up my body and decides to dance its way out of my skin. I put my thoughts beside me as i stand tall on a shore i have known in different weathers. I look at the playful ocean as it teases my senses and runs away so systemically that the game is never-ending. I glance at my thoughts and nudge them to wander off; the beach is vast enough for all of us. As i watch them going away i grab my little emotions by the hand and I take them for a walk.
I catch them smiling as they cling to my hands harder; i can tell they are loving this journey. I feel at peace with the light engulfing all of us. The warmth is unstoppable and sheer. It gets our hearts beating and our skin glowing; it tickles my emotions as they play along like the infants they truly are. I am overjoyed because i miss their sounds and their songs.
The water slowly finds its way up to my feet and it retreats shyly, its softness has my emotions building sand castles by its side. I willingly leave them to soak up that softness and i continue walking. Heat hugs my body and it allows itself to moisten my skin into a beautiful reflection of light. Without thoughts and without emotions, i suddenly come to know a soul that exists unconditionally and eternally within me.
Home unravels inside me and it is calm and quiet. It tastes of nature and smells like forever. I reach inside and i lay my head in its lap as it pets my sun-kissed hair. I close my eyes and unwind into depth and serenity. A kindness wakes me up and i find a sunset taking its final bow for the day. Everything on that shore was waving and shimmering as though applauding a genius performance. I froze as i was a mere soul in audience of nature existing. I forgot myself at that moment, I neither had my thoughts nor my emotions; we all stood there separately. Inside the ocean hid the sun as it showered itself with myth and magic.
Warmth gave way to chill as my body welcomed my senses back, and called for my thoughts to lean closer. The shore, myself, and the world took solace in the night and curled beside each other witnessing a truth only found in this darkness. Existence.
Every other night as i lay in bed quietly counting the days ive been away from home, i find myself staring at her pictures.
Never in my life have i felt so overwhelmingly attached to a child as i am to her. Her face just turns on every light in my soul and she leaves me wishing i could be part of her journey growing up. She is a form of life in herself, a kind and a type that has not been discovered yet.
I think of this little baby girl and i want to hand her the world myself, i want to watch as she unravels the secrets of her great existence.
It is very safe to say that my 2 year old self would have definitely been her best friend. I even dare say my 21 year old self could easily be her best friend too.
Never did i think that such a little person could enter my heart and comfort my loneliness as she has.
And so as i flip through pictures of Selma i smile and i realize that this little friend of mine is the first person to make me feel so grown up and so young all at once.
I open sun drenched eyes to a blue sky and a haze of early summer. My palms are moist from the grass beneath me. And my cheeks warm and pink from the shameless caress of the sun.
I find myself looking up into vastness and eternity, blue truth and blurred beauty. A still morning.
I smell the cries of the night on the grass under me and the glisten of trees around me. It had been so sad i presume. Yet with the morning, the sun runs all its desire to light the world and save it from the misery of the night.
A beautiful life they say, come get away. A creation in its own and a mystery to the core. A giant success and a painful let down all in one still effortless morning.
So i get up and look around. I look for the door that i had used to enter. This beautiful morning is a state, a situation that i looked for in every pair of eyes i gazed upon. I squeezed it out of every wonder and every smile. I posessed it when i held a loving hand and met a genuine friend.
I love it with all the goodness in me, yet i fear losing my passage to it. For when the chaos grows too inredibly loud i do lose it. I forget where that door to it stood. I imagine it and cry for it. I mourn it.
i search above and beneath me for it everytime. It is never easy to relocate. So one would understand how real i am in that place.
So why am i in such a hurry to leave now that im here?
I love the solitude of it and the simplicity. It speaks so clearly to me, i hear myself unsensored here. So i sit back down, i spread my arms apart and lay my head on the most appealing shade of green grass.
No confusion, no shame, no pride, no stupidity or ignorance.
I close my eyes and rest assured for when i am here, under the vision of clarity and this sweet surrender; the world can wait, it has to. For the sake of my sanity it stands still.
I look at this screen and my head is weary from all the thoughts intertwined. I say to myself take it easy and every thing will fall in place. After too much depth one needs to dwell in simplicity or else any remaining sanity will be gone.
I think of God when i want to touch simplicity, creation is rather natural to a simple mind. I set aside any reservation i have and i feel the darkness of the sky above me. From this Beirut night, the stars are few but the crescent moon has a honey shine to it that flatters the senses. There is little sign of nature around me except for the pots of flowers placed on my balcony. And it is intelligence and practicality to work with what you have. So i simply shift my stare from the night sky to my city flowers.
What answers am i looking for? What truth am i seeking tonight? I find no help whatsoever. Then again a wind blows, one that has been blocked by so many buildings that it reaches you almost suffocated but persistent enough to shuffle around your hair. What softer answer can i seek?
Truth lay in darkness, and in the honey haze of the moon. It lay in God’s breath of life into those helpless flowers in the shade. Truth lay in the simplicity. It lay in my soul which needs no definition tonight because. Simply because..