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Are You a Wild One?

We think we know, until we don’t. We believe that we have gotten to the bottom of something until we start noticing the shaky ground and down we go. Some people stop trying, they no longer wish to learn. Some have had enough shakiness and have gotten weary of doubt. So, many choose to stop the process of discovery and remain in a place they like, somewhere familiar, a place where they know enough to keep a status quo. They give up on being a wild one.

This process happens the older we get. Some of us stop discovering at 18, some after college some as they get married, others with their first child and on it goes. Everyone has a way, everyone has a certain clock dictated by a couple of goals and a checklist. I’m sure you know someone like that, some body who simply “SIGNED OFF” from the crazy life. Whatever craziness is to you or them, they chose to walk away and be still for a while, they nest and settle and rarely ever fly away, as long as all remains bearable and within reach.

Except what about those of who cannot seem to choose a time or a goal to sign off after?

What about the wild ones and the absolute “train wrecks”?

What about me and you and all of our friends who grab a book, or go on an adventure and cannot but feel utterly small in an enormous world? Where does one choose that they have had enough?

The rat race continues and the stampede of dreams scurries over the settlers of comfort zones and familiarity.

It happens everyday that we see something we choose to forget or hear a story we cannot retell. We are so careful around the comforts of others, and we dare not step on the tails (tales as pun intended) of the ones who do not understand us.

Maybe there are the dwellers of concrete homes, and laid out plans, and the wild ones. Maybe there are those who travel to come back, and those who travel to let go. They carry their homes on their backs and their lives are transparent and light.

And so as a few more years catch up with us and a couple more drops into new unknowns land us flat on our stomachs, we take a moment to appreciate the drop, and reconcile our confusions. Life loves curve balls and upside down trails, and those who wish to travel those trails must bare the consequence of discomfort and surprise. Adventure awaits and home is a place we stumble through here and there; even if for a day there is no telling how many homes one is able to find.

So wiggle that dirt from your shoulders and remember the lights that guide you; you chose a life of chasing dreams that tread like wild horses. Your pursuit is a sight for sore eyes, and an unbelievable story for those who wait in rooms, feeling like giants in the tiniest concrete homes.

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Little Princess

Goodnight little girl, at least for the night. Lay that trouble free head of yours on this cartoon pillow and lose yourself in dreams.
Sleep well little girl, at least for today. Pull that blanket up to your ears and hide from the dark because you can. Rest assured there is someone in the next room who will instantly scare your monsters away. There is no nightmare you can have that cannot be countered by a lullaby. There is no fear you might develop that cannot be hugged away. So let the comfort of home untangle your hair and clear your skin because after all little princess, that is what home is for.
See little girl one day you might suddenly find yourself at night. In a bed that is not your own, on a pillow made of stone; in a place that you’ll never call home. And during that night, you will slowly realize that your monsters are all around and your fears have no sound. As you cower into your own, a little princess scared of the dark will look out and see that she is alone. And that little girl, is when you make one of two choices.
Either run back home into a bed you have overgrown, or stay and chase your own monsters away. Whichever you choose, will forever define the next day.

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Home and Happy

Jet lag has me in a state of confusion as though i stepped from one world into another and the only things lost in the process were time and sleep.
The moment the plane landed, my heart went quiet with disbelief that home can feel this way.
I found today that love and happiness do converge into a vastness so fulfilling that anybody who comes across that collision feels it too. I had more strangers smile and talk to me today than i have in a long time.
I did not simply have a day today. I was an explorer and an achiever, i felt elated while i was touching the ground and i was humbled when i was up in the air. It is true: home is the destination and the purpose, it is the beginning and end. Today i am home and i am happy; so simple.

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No More

What do i say to you when your eyes are flooded with tears? How can you ever be this beautiful and this horrific looking back at me? What eases your mind if i cant understand your words? Give me anything other than this face.
I thought i caught you when you fell and now i see you broken. I thought i stopped the pain last time yet you still moan. When will i ever be enough to keep you afloat?
You said you knew me and you would let me in. Now i look around and you are nowhere but behind closed doors. You peek at me from in between your fears and you pretend that you’ve seen all of me. You lie and you cry and punch me out any time i reach for you. You always win and you scare me.
You make me quiver when you smile because i know there is nothing there.
I want you to laugh and to breathe as though i live inside you. I want you to crash right into my core and believe the agony of falling through me. I want you to scream when you feel rage and crash into me again. I lay by your side and i wait for you. Yet you never look close enough.
You torture me and you weep. You search and search until you ultimately repeat yourself and the pursuit is never ending and unyielding. You spin into your mess and you break within yourself as though you exist by yourself. Audiences applaude your findings when your eloquence fools them. Yet i know you hide behind every word and you will never allow yourself to be found. Your absence makes you and your truth breaks you.
This is the first time you look me straight in the eyes, yet your mind is absent. You are a fugitive in your own world and i am tired of trying to guide you.
I am home, i am love and i will no longer serve you.

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Every other night as i lay in bed quietly counting the days ive been away from home, i find myself staring at her pictures.
Never in my life have i felt so overwhelmingly attached to a child as i am to her. Her face just turns on every light in my soul and she leaves me wishing i could be part of her journey growing up. She is a form of life in herself, a kind and a type that has not been discovered yet.
I think of this little baby girl and i want to hand her the world myself, i want to watch as she unravels the secrets of her great existence.
It is very safe to say that my 2 year old self would have definitely been her best friend. I even dare say my 21 year old self could easily be her best friend too.
Never did i think that such a little person could enter my heart and comfort my loneliness as she has.
And so as i flip through pictures of Selma i smile and i realize that this little friend of mine is the first person to make me feel so grown up and so young all at once.

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Encountering a Dream

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.