One major foundation to my character is my ability to love and be loved in return, I can’t tell you enough how much I love love, except I am not your text-book romantic. I tend to forget “important dates”, and care a little less than my friends and family think I should about the traditional roles of a female in a heterosexual relationship [Que the unnecessary words that usually follow such statement].
Hold on, this needs a cup of coffee, I can tell its going to be good, not just for me but you too.
What if I tell you that I am training myself to be better at love? What if I tell you that you could also teach people how to love you better?
If you knew that already, then really you might as well not continue reading, I don’t want to waste your time. [This statement comes from a place of love without attachment-yes i went there, I love you enough to not waste your time]
I am not just talking about love for my fiance, but love for my parents, my family, my friends, my cat, strangers and the world in general; there is a certain subconscious order to the list I suppose. The point is, I thought that I was locked into a certain pattern of intrinsic and acquired emotional baggage, I thought that was it. To my tragic surprise, I could learn to be better, and to have higher respect for the process of unlearning almost everything I knew about love, and loving.
I doubt that we recognize that a lot of our acquired concepts and ideas about love come from books, movies, and stories that we hear, we almost rarely weigh it upon ourselves. Not our egos, and what we would like our love to look like, but our deepest needs and attempts to feeling like we are unique and unsubstitutable cornerstones of someone’s life. How freeing is the concept of loving beyond understanding, beyond attachment and ownership, beyond need and lust? What if you are able to completely see the other person not in their utility but in their own existential value?
I suppose the notion might sound somewhat naive to some, maybe even foreign in our current day and age when people’s utility has been marked painstakingly high. Try to go along with this:
It starts with you, it always does.
Many have toyed with romantic love that eventually and surprisingly leaves them consumed, it leaves them wondering who they were in the beginning and what they have come to be after time has passed.
Shallow love is coupled with a certain melancholy. It holds love’s hand a little tighter every step further down the road to self mutation. Shallow love lets you believe that you have merged with the person you love until you discover that there is so much left to deal with. You start throwing your “stuff” at said partner, hoping that they know what to do with them, sort them out, categorize them and make sense of them, while simultaneously they throw their stuff at you. Shallow love looks normal and reciprocal when you are taking part in it, well because it is to some extent. Yet, it strangely leaves you hurting. All that hurt is then quieted down by the power of social influence, when movies, stories, books and people tell you its OK, love hurts. And then you see a picture on Instagram of two people parading a seemingly beautifully drawn loving relationship. And you are confused, and unsure what the truth really is. Am I happy? or am I unhappy? PAUSE HERE
This is your thread, grab it.
What does happiness look like to you? What does love mean to you? Is your partner your emotional errands boy/girl, do they fill some deep holes drilled in you by other people who have crossed your path? Are they capable of making you happy? Are you capable of making yourself happy?
Some of the questions you will ask yourself will suddenly become scary as though you are getting closer to a ledge, so you start holding onto the stories you are used to telling yourself and each other. Except, how much love will you have for yourself without the stories, without the partner, without all your stuff, and your comfort possessions? Do you forgive yourself, and learn from your mistakes? Do you believe in your abilities and your capacities as a human being? Do you do unto others as you would like to be done to you?
Training yourself how to love begins with acceptance, it begins with anticipating the negative thoughts and the emotions that tag along, and having the right comfortable accommodation for them. Self love is mind, body, heart and soul combined in taking responsibility and remaining accountable for the life you live. Learning how to love yourself and others requires compassion and a small dose of faith mixed with heaps of courage and warrior worthy decision making skills.
Learning how to love will not only reflect on your face, but on the life you live. Your ability to love will act like a sun, you have no idea how bright you will burn, but you will spread without bias and foster gorgeous forests, and shine on weeds as well. Immense power exists in choosing to love better, and allowing it to yourself in your short life span will be the best thing you ever do for yourself and everyone else. Misery in its usual form is a sign of apathy, a lack of appreciation to all the possibilities that life might hold. Misery is lazy and easy, love isn’t.
My cup of coffee has gone cold, and my word count has surmounted what I had in mind, so I will leave my two cents on teaching others how to love you better for another post.