My arms are fire and my head is set free. I close my eyes and I ask, one question becomes a thousand, and I am back at square one. No real answers. But then I sense the flame and it pushes me face first inward, into my deepest fears. The memories, the inadequacies, the needs from love to acceptance, all of my failed pursuits, they dance around me as I flare my arms at them. But those are fears and they are not real, they are not me, they do not control what I am, who I am. I torch the first fear, then the second and I realize that there is nothing in there, just air. Empty air. Until the fear of insanity comes running and howling at me, am I insane? No. Just another fear, the most powerful one of all. So where did all my pain and panic come from? No answer, nobody in that room. Nobody behind the steering wheel, nobody holding the pen. So I sit back and I let that let down happen. I hoped for a mastermind, I hoped that I would get to face a stronger opponent, and Yet here I am, baffled. What lay inside when all the fear is gone? How would I live when it’s no longer about avoiding fears and reacting to them? Where will I go when I stop running? Who will I become when I simply am ?
Words roll out like red carpets beneath the feet of worshipers, and I cannot hold them back. As though prisoners have been let out. As though nothing can ever be said again the same way. Words form and collapse right infront of me and I am letting it all slide, no filters or fillers, nothing to add and little to subtract. A complete cycle of renewal, nothing is pale and everything is sincere. I set this space free, my arms are fire and my words are here.
Its an idea, it develops, it grows, sometimes it takes seconds, sometimes it takes a life time. An idea is all we need it is our reason and our goal. It drives us and throws us off course. This idea is a madness in the beginning its defiance but a means to an end. A salvation in the midst of intellectual, social and religious wreckage.
In our arab world we have a lack of ideas. We have a surplus of shallowness. We refuse to learn, to think and question our situations; nevertheless we are the masters of victimization, nagging and criticisim. We assume that doing so qualifies us as free thinkers, when that is the absolute opposite; a tool for a socially and politically handicapped nation to express its frustration.
We mistake differences for deficiencies. We confuse conservatism with morality, and we credit those who rob us of our potential for becoming decent citizens.
This idea, it requires searches, rampages, desperation and courage. To be a thinker is tougher than it seems. To acquire an opinion is more than repeating and plagiarizing “smarter” people.
We are being monopolized by corporations, politicians, celebrities and public opinion rallies. We are so awe struck by collectivity that we forget what it means to think for ones self alone. We dismiss the preciousness of solitude and soul searching. We allow ourselves to be molded and remolded with every new fashion statement, and every new trend of thought. We absolutely despise and abhore the notion of real personal freedom.
The whole suffocates us to an extent where we get used to the suffocation so desperately that we develop a fear of breathing again because of all the effort it will require.
In economics, there always is nominal price and the real price. Well, we have nominal freedom, where our real one is masked by the inflation of prejudice, narrow mindedness and intolerance.
All we need is the space.
I am growing up. Not the pretty way, the real way. Im a very positive and hopeful person yet experience puts that to shame and wins everytime. Im disappointed. The world, humanity, people and chances are all disappointing.
People talk about social networking; i cannot open my homepage without seeing not one but several pictures of dead or brutaly killed people. Is that okay now? Have we lost all sorts of respect for the human body or the soul that lived there? Is violence so normal and natural as to spread pictures of it and say oh thats bad, lets all feel bad about this picture, maybe cry too.
If we use the right titles i might agree more though since im a logical person. For example dont show me pictures of bombing and murder squads and call them democratic forces, be kind enough to realize that democracy hides behind the last carrot thrown and call it violence for that is what it is.
Do not show me double standards, false news, media blackouts, and call it revolutions, be kind enough to call it anarchy and chaos.
Lets just set the bar lower for our expectations and start dealing with the world as it really is. We are beasts well trained to believe that society and culture mold us into civilized people of nation states. Might as well drop the cover and state our claims for us humans stop at nothing.
Social-religious issues are breaking apart, loyalty is laughed upon, order is mocked, freedom is relative and honesty is blasphamy. It is time to reevaluate our principles and our standards, our beliefs need to be refurbished and divinity questioned.
It is the time to question, doubt and think about Where we are heading. And whichever way that is, we are a race well deserving of our end.
Dont let them bring you down he said,
Theres a power in you that no one can understand. I see your upset just dont back down!
And i believed it. What else is there? Its either good or bad, and we just hope for the best. I give what i can and i do what i should, the rest is up to the world. I want to dance to a song that makes me move out of my shell. I want to smile at someone the sneaky smile. I want to be bad and misbehave on my own terms.i want to love so hard that i shock you. I want to be good at different things and impress my self everytime!
I love the happiness i can feel, i love the joy and the peace of mind. I love the tiny pieces of Godly blessings in me. I want to build on that rather than negativity and defeat! I want to laugh at myself and my foolishness.
He is right whenever he tells me to snap out of my negativity surges of sudden and utter depression and defeat. He is so right to believe in me. I have so much and i can offer my humanity and passion to any situation, i just lose myself in that sometimes.
Today, im going to sleep content. I will love my self and i will listen to a beautiful song. I can do that and i will be truly genuinely happy. I love tonight God and i am thankful for that. Whatever power outthere that keeps me going is my God, my strength my soul and my truth.