Like a little bodied statue I stare at the ceiling. One of many ceilings and walls I’ve faced and knocked down, this one refuses to move, it refuses to let me through. I let go and decide to just lay there, maybe now I see the big picture, maybe now I see the truth. Maybe this ceiling is keeping me from completely fading away and losing touch.
I trace my thoughts back but I have none, I have gotten too good at quieting my mind, I have become stronger and less concerned with my body. The dread remains however. The unyielding and unrelenting need to belong somewhere to something to someone, and to feel infinite remains like the strongest emotion, the most powerful thought to ever exist. I cannot come to grips with mortality, not yet.
I stare still and remain in my body, feeling an utmost safety in it, fearing the thought of ever losing it. Fearing the day that I let it go and crack the ceiling. Why is there no infinity right here and now? Why can we not have that? Is that the biggest ego of all? To want it forever? To have continuous return? Why is it excruciatingly painful and dreadful to be so close mortality and still refuse to see it?
Is this the highest feeling of love? Is it the newfound appreciation to every spirit surrounding yourself that gives you the courage to do this? Gives you a purpose and a light? How much have we forgotten to be able to be here today? How much are we blinded from that let’s us sleep at night and not crawl back to our mothers.
I find my dark friend laying next to me, and together we look up at the ceiling. We hold eachother, I comfort him with my hope and with my light, while he confronts me with the truth: my mortality and everyone else’s, and our never ending pursuit of a single extra moment of being awake and breathing together.
He lives inside those beautiful scenes. Where the mountains reach for the skies, he smiles. When the wind blows and shuffles my hair he flirts. He embraces my fear and kisses my insecurities. He is everything i know and everything mysterious. He challenges me in my love and in my hate. He gives me every reason for both.
He feels my pain and talks me through it. He looks through me and into every secret in my eyes. He loves truth but lives among liers. He preaches and swears, he contradicts and challenges those who overwhelm him.
He takes me higher and still manages to destroy me everyonce in a while. He is unsure yet craves certainty. He speaks of adoration yet is not a master of it. He smells of hope and security, still he reeks of the classic and conventional.
He dances To his own beats and sways me along, he finds my insanity entertaining yet damaging at times. It plays on his nerves and thoughts disrupt his classic composure until he finds himself so bare in my presence.
He flies and goes higher he chases me everywhere. He whispers in my ears until i smile and then leaves.
He leaves when im in love, and he leaves when i hate. He leaves when im happy and when im down. It never takes too long for either extremes to occur. He leaves when hes fed up and he leaves when hes wanting more. He leaves all the time.
Maybe its that secret, its that mystery and that torture at times that captures me and changes me.
Maybe im only human after all and maybe you wont understand, maybe you know how unbelievable for all those qualities to exist in one, and maybe you believe so deeply that they do.
Maybe i myself will never know, maybe i already do. I love what i have yet to find out. And i breathe to find him smiling everytime he comes back.
Let’s have some fun and release our worries. Let’s laugh a little and embrace ourselves. Let’s humble our pride and feel the natural tendencies of our beings. Let’s be honest and speak more truth. Let’s try more and expect less.
Too many disappointments are lurking on the edges of our expectations waiting to jump up and say Surprise!!.. Let’s rain on that parade and disappoint disappointment.
Let’s imagine more and free our minds. Let’s loosen up and take things as they are. Let’s lead ourselves instead of being led on.
Let’s pretend we have hope, let’s make believe and lets live there.
Let’s be naive to our life and death, and let’s exist properly.
Let’s see where that takes us..