Tag Archives: dreams

Vivid

My dreams are becoming more vivid. I am surrounded by beautiful nature, rivers, green and every shade of it, hills and corn fields. The wind comes at me from every angle, it greets me as though I’ve been away for a lifetime. The dreams come and go, and at some point I cannot tell if those are moments I’ve lived or simple tricks of the mind. 

I wait for the night to come so I am able to continue my journey into places I’ve never been but still have the familiarity of a land I’ve lived in for years, they feel like home. My waking life is equally as exhilarating. It is a blend of utmost color, and I am blessed. 

I am blessed to be here tonight, blessed to dwell in those spaces and places that exist soley for my peace. I am now an element of stillness in a world of diligent motion. And when my turn comes, I will be ready. Sleep comes to me now with all of its mystery and leads me in with grace. I resign from my wakefulness and retreat into a serene world, one where my vivid dreams wait…

This day has been good, i am learning. 

Thousand and two thoughts.

I miss this; that freedom that lasts longer than I ever imagine with every word I decide to put in here. 

I miss the love and the crash of emotion on skin and on earth shaking beneath our feet. I reject the normal, I do not acquaint myself with it, I run away from it. 

I miss the fire and shake in my voice as I anticipate the next breath and the next moment. Somehow all these things seem distant when I spend my days centered behind a desk reading other people’s words. Somehow I cannot seem to get back to the path I thought I was on. Everything seems boring repetitive and elusive. 

It is that rock in my headphones and the vibe in my stroll that keeps ringing on somewhere beneath all my bland thoughts and mediocre days. 

Perhaps it is a phase, perhaps this is growing up and being responsible for something beside my need for fun, excitement and thrill. Perhaps I am missing an undercover tone in this world of desks, computers, files and humans with designated positions. 

I miss things that’s all. And I’m writing this right here and right now in order to admit it in hopes that I find the balance between what I must do and what I want to do; what I have and what I deserve. The balance between their world and mine must exist somewhere along these words and those thoughts. That’s when I run. 

A brain in my body

Everyday I start over, everyday I give it a rest then I try my best to not think about how I’m starting and not finishing. I am not finishing anything; not thoughts, nor books or conversations; I don’t even finish a lie to myself. So I start again until I can stop and tie all loose ends, bound my boxes and pack my suitcases and try to finish my day somewhere better.
It’s all pressed to my chest, all the desires, the hopes and the fears. I have them stapled to my clothes and I am lost in the baggiest dress I have ever slipped into. I am lost below the color fades and the heated fabric. There is more yet to come and I am bound to grow back into my own skin.
I do not know how to disappear, I do not feel. I am. Once again, I am everything I attempt to be with the power I have today. Sometimes I’m big sometimes I’m small and I cannot help but changing sizes and switching sides. I cannot contain my joy and I have no limits to my fears. Where are the lids, the joints and the limbs that people talk about? I have so much composure yet I do not know where it begins and where I end. I have no recollection of poise in my mind. That is why I thank my face daily- I would have never made it this long if it weren’t for my unbelievably helpful body. It truly is my blessing. If I were to live as a brain alone I would have exploded such a long time ago into a billion and one thoughts scattered like freckles on an insecure beautiful little girl’s face.
When my day is almost gone and I look at a lost October and a past birthday I feel the gravity of my company and the sweetness of my senses as they allow me the coziness of a night fully mine and a darkness too loving and genuinely present.
It’s all happening as I write believe it or not, it’s all in my mind, the words right before I write them, and the thoughts right before I think them. I am just as aware as the second girl you meet. I do not know how to be anything else.
Every time I mistake myself for a fully understood and past project I surprise myself again and I crack a joke to ease the awkwardness of meeting a new friend, or foe for that matter.
Someday, some way, I suppose things ought to change. They always do. I always find my way, I’m sure you do too. I’m not just a brain after all, my home is my body too. And it’s exactly where I’d like to sleep.

How to Dream

 

Make your way through the faces and the traces of doubt and debris. Flip through the pages and don’t mourn wasted ink or forgotten places. Excuse yourself from all expectations and indulge in the world of possibility. Freefall, absolutely weightless and let the gravity of dreams devour you. Understand that reality is only contrasted with vast, uninhibited, insane dreams. Understand that you must allow yourself to wander off so vaguely and lightly into that land. Understand that the only way one truly lives is by being wildly inspired by those dreams and possibilities. Let the charm of enchantment completely uplift you worlds above consciousness and reality. Get so close, give into the helpless magnetism of magic. Close your eyes and rest, you dont need physical senses for this journey. Wait for the shock under your skin, hold your breath for the insanity that will feverishly fill every space within you. You are not hollow here, you are not vacant.
Savour the assymatry of your thoughts and the chaos of your emotions, experience being shackled in the embrace of countless loving arms. Let it boil, let your nerves charge with a confusion they have never dealt with before. Understand the convergance between dreams and reality as they lock simultaneously in one touch out of every world known to you.

Dear Mom,

Dear mom,
I dreamt about you the other night, it was almost real. Then i woke up and i realized even though i felt you in my mind, we were still on opposite sides of this world, in different time zones. I then closed my eyes to see you again and i did. You always said our unconscious is incredible; you were right.
Im imagining you reading this now, and its funny because you always complimented my writing even when it was terrible. I think it was your way of encouraging me to express my timid self.
I have so much faith in you, maybe the strongest belief springing from my core is in you. Nothing bigger than you in this world and nothing simpler. You encompass what life was, is and ought to be. Its insane because how can i ever come to know myself seperated from you when you are my source; my genuine soulmate.
I just want to tell you that you trained me well. You did your best and while you juggled being my mother and my best friend you somehow created me all over again everyday.
Everytime i catch myself feeling lonesome or down i remember how you would brush your shoulders off and tell me this is what we do. Then we pick ourselves up because we are that strong.
I know you have your pains and your struggles, just like every artist out there. Except, you are more youthful than you know, more beautiful than you admit, and more brilliant than you think. Your joy is my own and your pain is mine too. I will never stop pushing you, i will never walk out on you, because this is what we are all about.
I am so proud of you, when your strong and when your weak. You are my biggest truth.
So, yes as predictable as i am, this is how i try to make up for the distance.
I love you mom, thats what i’ve been trying to say:)
Nour

SELF PORTRAIT

Indecisive, uncertain, insecure, doubtful, unreliable, inhibited girl. Passionate rarely, apathetic mostly, lacking always.  Empathetic, nice, numb, sad. Grateful, undisciplined quitter. Heavy, shy, thoughtful, realistic. Logical, submissive, obedient, void. Soulful, selective, salient, secretive writer. Strange, different, proud, honest. Alone in a world of surrogate fillers; illusions of completeness.

Tiptoeing  around self loathing while free-falling in love with myself everyday. A recipe for disillusionment from a world of hypocrisy and tainted truths. A child in the commoners’ eyes, and a troubled mismanaged old soul in reality. Drama queen at best, possible proof that i am mislead by my youth after all. I dream of becoming a dreamer, but dreaming is escaping reality. So i dwell in the mess of that truth, a form of wreckage that people run away from by chasing their dreams. Happiness is not in those dreams but in making peace with what reality offers.

Pursuing a purpose, a meaning and a reason, but i have no clue still. Contrary to usual tendencies, the last thing i want is to live forever; the idea is as troubling as it is infinite and whole. I want to know every step of the way that i am getting closer to an end that should answer all my questions.

An over analyzing hopeless romantic. An endless dreamer and a simple – minded wide hearted being. The only way i understand reality is through the magic of my soul. The only reason i identify sadness is because natural joy floods me. The print of every word i write is a breath so involuntary that it surprises me every time. This cruelty of a mind molded both by experience and the lack of it is always heavy; except redeeming truth flowing out of my fingertips lifts me up every time.

My words are salty and moist, they sting when the wound is open; yet they heal when my world runs dry. My words stray but they always come back to comfort me. They prove to me that a voice is only beautiful when it is soulful and true. I sail and i listen to people’s stories knowing that mine belongs to these words. The day i ran to my notebook instead of a person, i gave those words absolute power and i rendered myself a mere messenger.

Simplicity finds me as i end this text; i believe its time i let go and surface.

Encountering a Dream

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.

To let tomorrow play my song

 

Turn off all the lights. Cover yourself with your bed sheets and hide from tomorrow. Lock your doors and shut your windows, never let time cross over.
Clench your fists and bite your tongue, keep your song inside and trap the words between your lips. There will be no music tonight.
Tomorrow then transforms itself into imagination. It lights up the dark inside and you hear the humming from within. The unknown then plays itself out with hopes and fears. It forms stories and fairy tales, it goes all wrong and burns you, then again it cures your troubled soul.
Time tickles your soul with all the memories, it tricks you into letting it in. You want to enjoy time and never let it go. You want time to be on your side and chance to never abandon you. You feel time cradling you into mere dependence. You think about possibilities and fortune. You think about love and hate. You think about dreams and nightmares. You think about life and death. You think about tomorrow. And you let it find you just like that. You let tomorrow take you from hiding, tomorrow tells you to love it like it’s forever.
It was never as dark as it had been while you were hiding, yet the brightness of tomorrow almost burns you. So you gather your thoughts of all contradictions, you put them all into words and you decide to look for faith. You decide to find a light, one that will make you brave enough to embrace tomorrow. You decide to take your time, you might even share. You cannot let all the lights pass you by. So you pack your bags along with your thoughts and notebooks. You leave. You separate yourself from that hiding place, the comfort of being in the dark. You claim your right to find yourself in the light, to make yourself grow into all that tomorrow and time will offer. Possibility holds fear’s hands and they begin leading you through, all the way away from home.
You stand alone, with your words. You hold your favorite song close as you listen to everyone Else’s songs too.
You decide to close your eyes and follow the music, follow your mind and skillfully enough your heart too. You find faith at night and you kiss it with every childish need until you attempt to believe in yourself and daylight breaks with you so far gone, time almost lost you.

Memoirs of a beginning

I rest my heart in fallen paradise. I lay still cuddled with my demons, until i grow tired, so desperate to close my eyes. They pet my soul and comfort my mind with numb lullabies of an innocent child. The fear of the unknown is tucked under their palms for a better day more welcoming of loneliness.
They whisper flawlessly some beautiful words to calm my anxiety and inner chill. Fly inside out into dreams of clarity and hope. The beauty that is you must find every answer within yourself. For if you wake up one day in a bed that is not your own, your demons will soothe your soul. Your fears will not leave you, neither will your love. Find the ways in and out of your self, and you will never be lost.
The love i have been fed will make way for brighter days, the truth i have seeked will surface in the darkest nights and the faces i have smiled upon for as long as i can remember, will forever keep me one smile away from being alone.