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Better Now Than Never: A Story

Once upon a time, there was a death. A death that was impossible without the life that preceded it. An old woman lived in a dark concrete apartment, one that she had inherited from her late father. If you looked really closely, you could still see how beautiful that lady used to be. Except there was a sadness in her eyes that was less about what she has done and more about what she hadn’t. The old lady worked to sustain herself and her family, but she never got to live her dream. The beauty shop she wanted to open, sat in a cloudy corner in her mind, never to see the light. She always said tomorrow was another day, and tomorrow never came; only more of the same and less of the joy. Her guilt piled up night after night, whenever she sat alone and planned. She had to wait, and the waiting took over, until she could wait no more. The story ends with a death, but that is not so bad, every story ends with that. The saddest part despite it all is that death was not preceded with the life that she wanted, but with the life that she settled for.

Think about something you really would love to do, are you doing it? will you get to it? OR is it somewhere deep down gathering dust, until the right time comes.

Comfort is incredibly easy, it is what we naturally work towards. We rotate around comfort like bees to the pollen, and we make sure to mark our flowers so that we never have to travel so far again and risk something scary happening. So we buzz around our little lives hoping that one day something will change in our favor, and sometimes it does, but not always.

So do it now, while you can, while you can still have regrets that become stories of old age, and lessons to those you bring to life. Live now and plan what’s next using your brilliant brain, and don’t drown it with the fake pleasures of sugar and digitalized wellbeing. There is no wellbeing in living on screens with carpel tunnel fingers. Use your fingers to build the life you want, and days you never want to end.

Think about it, every story ends with death, but every death begins with life. Make your life brilliant, and don’t overthink the ride.

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Colors of the new Unknown

I cannot get this thought out of my head, something in the world is shifting, a new karma is taking form and I am unsure how the dawn will color itself.

As we journey into our cores, many layers unfold, but we always tend to miss something. Not everything can be uncovered, not everything must be known.

Tonight I sing to the unknown and all of its glory, all of its mystery and all of its truth. Unless we know ourselves we can never love anything else. But when we understand that we can never truly know, we understand how vast our vessels of love are, and how sweet our thirst is.

In unknowns lay our loved ones alive and dead, in the unknown lay our energies and our karmas. There lay time arm in arm with every spec of dust we have managed to move in the motion of our lives. And to tell you a secret, I think there lay the last piece of the puzzle. The unknown is the beast we must truly learn to love and tame.

We will never be afraid of anything ever again.

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A shy eulogy

I had not thought of you or even said your name in a very long time; until today when I found out you died.
I feel bad, I am hurt, and unamused by all the coverage your death is receiving. I am not accepting or giving condolences on your behalf because you are simply somebody that I used to know.I had no stake in your life and I have none in your death. I am sorry that you won’t be here tomorrow. I truly am.
I am unaware of your life and your deepest desires. I have no idea what your favorite color was or whether you ever found love. I cannot ask you why you made the choices you did. But I can just mourn the loss of you as an old high school friend.
You don’t symbolize any political agenda or ideology. Your name doesn’t cause any deep revolutionary need in me. Your life is as foreign to me as mine was to yours. But you still belong somewhere somehow in a world of the innocent, the forgiving and the free. You are not an idea or a symbol, you are not a weapon.
You were A human worthy of a long beautiful life; and I don’t think that admitting that is of any insult to you.
I am sorry today was your last, you are surrounded with grace now.
May peace be upon you

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To run from peace

I woke up one night and i decided to leave. I did not speak, i did not listen, i forced the bravery out of me and i walked out. I gave up on the causes that chained me and i let go of faith. I left peace in bed and i took off with war. I betrayed ideals and i broke out.
The road ahead of me was so long, more than i had ever imagined it to be; almost endless. I started my car and i opened my eyes. Music played louder than my thoughts, and it woke up peace. Then as i went forward i could see peace through my rear view mirror banging at the that door i locked. It didnt break my heart, that is where it belonged. Peace lied to me, it slept with me and it cradled me when war was always at my door. Peace made everything quiet, it even showed me beauty. Peace began taking me one breath at a time and i let it. War always watched and it was so shameless.
Peace was a hypocrite and a fraud. It had so much to lose, it was a coward and it convinced me never to leave its side.
Today i leave peace, i break peace and i turn my back to it. I grab war by the neck and ask it to lead me to where all the truth lay. I scream at war and demand it tells me why it wanted me. Why has it always sat at my door, why it watched, why it left traces of doubt over my porch…i had so many questions.
As i drove, war would run along wanting to show me its world. And so i drove over bodies and ideas, i saw limits and they meant nothing. War was illeterate and blind. War only acted it never looked back. I drove and the road wouldnt end. People cursed war and i was surprised. I used to think big of it, but it turned out to be a humiliating friend. I had to watch my back and twitch with fear as war introduced me to its friends. Everything was blurry and truth lay nowhere but in red puddles. That was the only color i saw and it was repulsive.
War finally asked me to get out of my car to watch it dance. I had never seen war in daylight, and so as day broke, i watched disaster and destruction prevail. Every time war swayed i saw its real colors. Under the light war was ugly, it was deformed and stained with defeat, it had no arms or legs it creeped and lurked; there was nothing alluring about it and its stench was nauseating. It asked me to join but i couldnt, because suddenly i had so much to lose. Suddenly i missed peace and its beauty. I missed peace and how it looked at me, how it sang me to sleep and faded into hope every morning.
Except war wouldnt let me go, it pulled me in and i fell as all its friends joined. I had willingly left peace for this. For that horror and pain. For the puddles of truth stained in red. I left peace and i believed war would solve all my problems; except it didnt.
I wept as the very truth i was looking for slowly seeped out of me and to my surprise it was colored red. I knew what i had lost and i longed for the first time that peace would find me.

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When they never learn.

When those who must do the fighting have the right to decide between war and peace, history will no longer be written in blood- Kant

Lebanon takes this quote and shoves it up kant’s ***.

Dear patriots, i hope the people who died today in that terrible explosion rest in peace; peace they have never known around you in this god forsaken country.

Enough said.

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Existential pointlessness.

I don’t know why i run here every time; every single time i find myself writing as though my mind cries here and lays all its worries and the weight of the world; right here. I find myself creating and expressing what i cannot spell out as eloquently to anyone, at least not without breaking apart.

So i need and long and want so much, just as so many others do. But it is rare that i admit such weaknesses. It is rare that i stand and give myself out so bare and undisguised. It takes faith, it takes belief and belonging to give yourself out in such manner to anyone. how do you trust? how do you know? how do you believe what anyone says to you? for what is deceit in the end of the day but a let down from someone you trusted. So simple yet so damaging.

Then come love, the greatest confusion of all. the strongest and most liberating yet suffocating situation one can ever fall into. The impossible becomes a plan, and a very plausible one which will get you even more tangled in the thoughts, limitations and benefits of such commitment. It builds you bigger and stronger. But it keeps grabbing you by the neck, any wrong move you make or even more simply the moment it decides to leave, it breaks your neck, along with everything else that was. You then are left. Simple.

What is it? what is it that drives us to such destructive situations? We dive so willfully and joyfully as though experience has not slapped us right in the face over and over. Is it that pathetic need for belonging that makes us so weak as to want to relate to anything and everything. A believer relates to God, for he has found the most glorious bond. But isn’t that nothing but a psychological man-made relationship? A lover relates to his beloved, for he has figured out eternal passion; at least until one of them decides to leave. So what is divine in such finished a world? What is pure and true? What is genuine but a sad truth? What truth is there when we are children of conflict and death? Who is right and who is wrong?

What is forever, but a longing for the impossible? When do we give up and realize the joke of it all? When do we own up to our fear of never knowing and admit that there is no point but what we decide to make of it.

So we go to the secret places inside our minds and souls, we hide all our doubts and pains inside, lock up and get out to the world. Nothing but because people do not like misery, they love happiness and simplicity, they love aloofness and everything physical. They run away from the real abstract and end up living in one they have made up and imagined all alone. They close the doors behind them and forget where they hid their secret place. They shy away from hard truths and embrace simple instinctual habits. They have no need for existential bullshit. For life is no more but being born suddenly opening your eyes to a world you have not chosen to enter, you then are blessed with a brain that gets developed and screwed with by people and emotions. You then exit the way you entered unasked and unwelcome.

Life is a liability, death is not a choice either. So exit as you came in, bare and frail. Fragile to the core but with a brain made just to piss you off, some sort of teaser. It gets you places but then there is no way back , you can never not know something you know. It is there forever more.

So at the end of the day you end up writing about some existential pointlessness on a very commercial blog, which will probably never get you anywhere in life.

I end this with saying, the greatest joys come from simple minds and imagination.

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Let us be.

Let’s have some fun and release our worries. Let’s laugh a little and embrace ourselves. Let’s humble our pride and feel the natural tendencies of our beings. Let’s be honest and speak more truth. Let’s try more and expect less.
Too many disappointments are lurking on the edges of our expectations waiting to jump up and say Surprise!!.. Let’s rain on that parade and disappoint disappointment.
Let’s imagine more and free our minds. Let’s loosen up and take things as they are. Let’s lead ourselves instead of being led on.
Let’s pretend we have hope, let’s make believe and lets live there.
Let’s be naive to our life and death, and let’s exist properly.
Let’s see where that takes us..