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The Sun

I am without myself almost every day. I walk towards and away from this, all at once. My steps are noise blanketing the quietness of a harmless emptiness I carry everywhere. Still and firm, faith washes ashore my disbelieving skin. I am impossible to water; my thirst is yet to be quenched.
Music to my vulnerable ears eases in and finds solace in a hollow corner I sometimes mistake for a soul. And in that corner, love grows it becomes humiliatingly filling.
I find myself awake at hours of the night unmistakably silent and anticipating. I find pieces of myself stranded in the dark and I rarely reach out and grab them anymore. The pursuit of definition as I have come to believe, is a sterile one. I am without myself after all.
My mindfulness is as elusive as my sleep. Come night time and an overwhelming dosage of anxiety rests it’s head on my chest. I am left weighed down by nothing and everything to ever exist. So I press my head deeper into the pillow and I drown myself in infinite thought. My breath softens and my words lose courage every time I come up for clarity. What does one do with finite nights and infinite possibility? How does one choose a single path, one life to account for an unbiased immeasurable existence? In that matter, there is one finite answer: I do not know.
I trust so little the aptitude of humans. I find it unconventional to stick to one belief every day. I shiver facing an ironic reality that change is necessary and inevitable. Change in all it’s forms is as terrifying as it is magnificent. I love with every regenerating cell in me the continuity of change. But I loathe how things never remain the same.
Walking on a tight rope, I challenge myself to not expect anything to lean on. I choose everyday to lose faith in my surroundings and detach myself from the illusion of eternity. I live each day reminding myself that I myself am a walking breathing example of entropy.
But I am a hypocrite.
I leap at any hint of divinity. I am spellbound by beauty and it’s repetition across the ages. I savor moments as rare as they come as though I caught infinity while it wasn’t looking. I fall uncontrollably in love and I allow myself the pleasure of delusion.
From where I am, whether I fall or stand tall; there really is no difference. From where I am, I live in many worlds. In some I care, in others I don’t. The fault in my brain is mended in the form of a heart. Maybe a balance exists linking and pushing my worlds apart. I carry it all with me, and I lay still on my back. I am miles away alone flaring a single match in the dark.
Maybe when you see that, your universe will finally have its light.

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Encountering a Dream

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.