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A brain in my body

Everyday I start over, everyday I give it a rest then I try my best to not think about how I’m starting and not finishing. I am not finishing anything; not thoughts, nor books or conversations; I don’t even finish a lie to myself. So I start again until I can stop and tie all loose ends, bound my boxes and pack my suitcases and try to finish my day somewhere better.
It’s all pressed to my chest, all the desires, the hopes and the fears. I have them stapled to my clothes and I am lost in the baggiest dress I have ever slipped into. I am lost below the color fades and the heated fabric. There is more yet to come and I am bound to grow back into my own skin.
I do not know how to disappear, I do not feel. I am. Once again, I am everything I attempt to be with the power I have today. Sometimes I’m big sometimes I’m small and I cannot help but changing sizes and switching sides. I cannot contain my joy and I have no limits to my fears. Where are the lids, the joints and the limbs that people talk about? I have so much composure yet I do not know where it begins and where I end. I have no recollection of poise in my mind. That is why I thank my face daily- I would have never made it this long if it weren’t for my unbelievably helpful body. It truly is my blessing. If I were to live as a brain alone I would have exploded such a long time ago into a billion and one thoughts scattered like freckles on an insecure beautiful little girl’s face.
When my day is almost gone and I look at a lost October and a past birthday I feel the gravity of my company and the sweetness of my senses as they allow me the coziness of a night fully mine and a darkness too loving and genuinely present.
It’s all happening as I write believe it or not, it’s all in my mind, the words right before I write them, and the thoughts right before I think them. I am just as aware as the second girl you meet. I do not know how to be anything else.
Every time I mistake myself for a fully understood and past project I surprise myself again and I crack a joke to ease the awkwardness of meeting a new friend, or foe for that matter.
Someday, some way, I suppose things ought to change. They always do. I always find my way, I’m sure you do too. I’m not just a brain after all, my home is my body too. And it’s exactly where I’d like to sleep.

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Lebanese Pride

National pride. Really?!

For what? what has this blurry joke of a country ever done for you? This utterly embarrassing Lebanese story is tragically funny. The same problems over and over again, the same words vomited from the mouths of airhead politicians, somehow under some unrelenting logic always seem to get to people and fill their hollow heads with -for lack of better word- bullshit.

So this bullshit blocks blood vessels in the brains of very proud nationals who have actually believed and enjoyed their herd leaders’ vomit until they are smothered with it; one is rendered driven by bullshit, fighting for bullshit and dying for what more than bullshit. I hope i have not reached too much of an offensive description of my fellow patriots.

I do not respect anyone, i barely respect myself for being part of such disgusting excuse of a society. So i do not give excuses anymore, i am not surprised nor am i annoyed anymore. People are essentially insecure, everything is divine for them, they talk about collectivity and honor just because individually they have no worth and no significance. They grab their guns and shoot at each other when they should probably shoot themselves. And hopefully rid this world of one less waste of space.

And then again, by writing something of this such i might be saying “very bad things” about my country. But, i am not, i am saying” very bad things” about the people of this country. I am actually so amused because it is quite interesting for observational study. This existence of Prada Tribes, and self-indulgent savages who drive fancy cars and speak big words and rule entire mindless societies is worthy of noting.

Repeating words and chanting the names of those tribe leaders, dancing around tires of fire is fascinating, rather inspiring for i am discovering in-depth my contempt for this society. This immense dose of mind control and social disintegration is not going to stop, it has become so deep inside people who have nothing to lose, who have too much pride to apologize and come out clean, it has infested itself within their words and brain functions. They breathe void ideologies and have found that their guns speak for them, their manhood is defined by how much hate they can spur and how high they can squeal.

And speaking of manhood and male dominance in this refreshing society of ours, i must very sarcastically exclaim; where are all the feminists in situations like this? Why are “the men” alone burning tires and shooting guns, are women not to be included in this too?

I conclude with saying, dear patriots do not cry for our malfunctioning country, do not criticize and get disappointed. It has forever been this way, we are not respected citizens of a valued country, we are not the country of beauty and peace. We are inhabitants of a map drawn in the sand several years ago under a french mandate. So you see dear patriots, you are fighting for void causes and internationally entertained ideas. You kill so easily when you probably do not know why, and you live so easily when you do not even know why. Having no national purpose, or personal justifications lead you to become mindless, emotional, impulsive and spineless members of a God-full society which renders everything you do divine and right under the rule of God. (when your leader here can be your God too, just for mathematical justification substitution is allowed).

PS: This does not come close to offending anyone if you do not imagine the effect of raising my middle finger along with writing this piece simultaneously.