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#2018 What’s your excuse this time?

Starting January first, your entire life is going to shift.

All that courage you have been missing will be mustered up, and BOOM as soon as you wake up on the first day of the new year #2018, you will have the necessary resources, the mindset and the guts to go on and make those life altering set of decisions.

This year is going to be different. The same way 2017 was different. Or so you would hope. Or so, we all would hope. Except like every year, I have such a hard time coming up with good-sounding resolutions. You know the ones that seem almost practiced, to sound extra self-indulgent and hopeful when you say out loud. [Like this year I am going to practice a more minimalist/vegan…any-ist lifestyle, that video I saw on Facebook was a wake up call.] Yeah, I don’t have those.

My resolutions tend to erupt from within after I have sobbed for three and a half days over an existential crisis. My resolve is tested on the daily, do I go to the gym or do I relax at home with my cat by my side and call it a day? Do I do this or that? …every single day. I cannot even imagine how difficult it would be to bottle up all of these little decisions to be made on a single (life changing) day. So be warned, most of those resolutions end up being one-timers. Almost every change in your life, requires practice. The idea is always much more exciting than the actual execution.

See the thing is, and brace yourself for this wonderful and mind boggling sentence: Today was the future last month. And tomorrow, today will be yesterday. So never wait till tomorrow to change your life. Inspiring use of words, NO?

The point of the above “state the obvious” sentence is that all you have is your choice today, NOW. Start with the silliest and most minute goals, and go from there. You have to teach your brain how to perceive achievement. You have to rewire your system to a new achievement oriented process, one where failure becomes part of the process and not the end.

So, if your new year’s resolution is joining the gym for example, try this:

1- Look for a gym that will fit well within your schedule, think proximity, and practicality in relation to your daily routine. Make it easy for yourself.

2- Start your membership before January first. Consider the 2 days prior to the New year as try-outs. Devise your plan, create and schedule your workout. Ask for help.

3- Set tiny goals when you wake up in the morning. When a habit is brand new, you will need to make the same choice a few times during the day, because your brain and your body do not want you to switch things up, they do not want you to gear off auto-pilot. Read this book if you haven’t: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

It is always wonderful to hear somebody, almost everybody saying that they want to improve something about themselves or their lives. It stops being so wonderful, when the resolution becomes a broken record every year. It becomes sad when you keep postponing, and pathetic when the excuses are shined and dusted anew every year. So just do one thing for now. Just one tiny little change in your life, and it will snowball beyond your imagination.

As for me, my resolutions for this year, well they will come, probably in a more dramatic post at 3 AM on a Tuesday, where I overuse words like truth, light, life, kindness, love and peace.


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A brain in my body

Everyday I start over, everyday I give it a rest then I try my best to not think about how I’m starting and not finishing. I am not finishing anything; not thoughts, nor books or conversations; I don’t even finish a lie to myself. So I start again until I can stop and tie all loose ends, bound my boxes and pack my suitcases and try to finish my day somewhere better.
It’s all pressed to my chest, all the desires, the hopes and the fears. I have them stapled to my clothes and I am lost in the baggiest dress I have ever slipped into. I am lost below the color fades and the heated fabric. There is more yet to come and I am bound to grow back into my own skin.
I do not know how to disappear, I do not feel. I am. Once again, I am everything I attempt to be with the power I have today. Sometimes I’m big sometimes I’m small and I cannot help but changing sizes and switching sides. I cannot contain my joy and I have no limits to my fears. Where are the lids, the joints and the limbs that people talk about? I have so much composure yet I do not know where it begins and where I end. I have no recollection of poise in my mind. That is why I thank my face daily- I would have never made it this long if it weren’t for my unbelievably helpful body. It truly is my blessing. If I were to live as a brain alone I would have exploded such a long time ago into a billion and one thoughts scattered like freckles on an insecure beautiful little girl’s face.
When my day is almost gone and I look at a lost October and a past birthday I feel the gravity of my company and the sweetness of my senses as they allow me the coziness of a night fully mine and a darkness too loving and genuinely present.
It’s all happening as I write believe it or not, it’s all in my mind, the words right before I write them, and the thoughts right before I think them. I am just as aware as the second girl you meet. I do not know how to be anything else.
Every time I mistake myself for a fully understood and past project I surprise myself again and I crack a joke to ease the awkwardness of meeting a new friend, or foe for that matter.
Someday, some way, I suppose things ought to change. They always do. I always find my way, I’m sure you do too. I’m not just a brain after all, my home is my body too. And it’s exactly where I’d like to sleep.

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Oh to be thoughtless…

Something is existing within me, as though i am twofold or even threefold. Something small is finding its way through crevices i had forgotten about. I am afraid that this something whatever it is, is waking me up to a new realization i am probably not ready for.
I find myself devouring books, stories, characters as though i am in need; like feeding a hunger so unforseen but is no longer bearable.
Thoughts are unwinding and emotions are foreign to this new layer i am touching upon. It just seems too complex to describe to anybody and i find myself sounding more absurd the harder i try.
Its some form of depth that is scary and brand new. It is like suddenly putting your hand under ice cold water and for the first second your body thinks its burning boiling water. I am exactly in that moment and i am not sure whether im feeling the coldness or the heat.
Its like a yes and a no existing together, like knowing and not knowing simultaneously. Its darkness and light giving the same blinding effect.
Sometimes i try to just stop, halt every thought into a screeching pause. It never works. Some part of me is always listening, watching, observing and processing the world and it wears me out. So i find myself giving my undivided attention to books and fictional characters with beginnings and endings so clear and so definite; too infinite and simply printed. Maybe if i read long enough and distract myself intently enough i will have better vocabulary and clearer thoughts. Maybe…

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 I’m shedding off my masks, I’m standing bare foot on charcoal grounds, and my hair smells of moist breezes and forgotten lands. I gaze the horizons for my home, my long lost haven, but the wonderland I’m in is of my own making. My skin is damp and my palms are sweaty, there is nothing left in this world for me.

I try to physically look back at the roads I’ve trodden, and I have made so many wrong turns my neck began to ache. My own footsteps wore me down. So I stand my ground and the burning sensation in the soles of my feet is proof of my long journey, and a sign that I should lay in the shade for a while.

Above me is sky and below me is over heated earth, I am life here and I am the movement, I am the variable and I am the catalyst. Whatever I do today will change this world I’m in.

Being the old person I am today, has never defined me, for my youth has been well taken care of. I gave my youth away to a child well deserving, a hopeful prospect for humanity. Yet, I am old today, and this land is as forgotten as I am, and my hair is as grey as the ashes my road has become. The books I have written, and the thoughts I have shared are the life I lived. I lived inside my books and through my words. The more complicated my journey got, the more exhilarating and expressive my phrases became. I existed in my characters, and in their choices. I loved what they loved and despised what they did. I have lived so many lives I can hardly keep count.

So today, I am shedding my masks and I am exposing the marks on my face, my eyes have a thousand stories to tell and my soul is an ancient one. This home I am searching for is taking form the faster I walk. I do want the shade and I definitely want to rest, but the home I’m looking for cannot wait. So I gain more pace and I look ahead, for nothing has ever slowed me down, and today neither age nor the world will as well.

As I push the gate open, I am out of breath, my knees feel weak and my head is light, yet my heart functions and beats like it has never before. But I can’t help but begin falling to the ground; out of the blue his hands reach for mine and he tells me I have done a good job. He pulls me up and leads me in. As I step inside, my hair regains its color, my hands become smooth again, and youth slams itself upon me. He whispers my story ends here, and now I can live on forever through my books. I nod with consent and close my eyes. A few seconds later I open a thousand pair of eyes all at once and through them, I never died.

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Post “Kite Runner” ideas.

I recently finished reading The kite Runner for Khaled Hosseini. Breathtaking.

The character that was simply overwhelming was Hassan. How can someone be that good, so loyal and so sincere? Is it mere fiction for such people to live among us? The person who is so content with his reality and one who desperately wants to save you no matter what. He is the avid friend, the genuine raw human. Some might consider him naive but that is far from the truth. He is a hero, one who was undermined by his society and the cruelty of people’s judgement. He lived with peace and with honor. He believed that everyone was as good as him. Yet his life proved him wrong. Does  the “Hassan” exist? i personally am in big doubt about that.

The idea here is, when did we stop being the best humans we could be?..when did we become so materialistic and lacking essential humane traits?  when did we begin mistaking goodness for stupidity and naivety? i do believe that goodness in its purest form exists, we just never know how to deal with it. We ruin purity and we purge genuine behavior. I speak out of personal experience when i talk about corruption and double standards. People have stopped looking one another in the eyes.

The “Hassan” does exist in each person hopefulyy but we need to have more trust in that side of us. We need to find strength in our goodness and not need to cheat our way through to make it. I am young and i hear that this is a cruel world. Well, i surely think that us humans have made it this way. The animals and the trees have kept their ends of the bargain, but we are the ones trespassing our natural roles.

I pray that i always find the balance between hope and reality, between practicality and ambition. I pray that when i read this 10 or 20 years from now, id be wise enough to laugh at how seriously ive been taking my life. Because bottom line is, there is humor, and terror, there is passion and simplicity. It is eventually up to us to choose which side to believe in life.

The Kite Runner was an eye opener. And a story for every person.