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A brain in my body

Everyday I start over, everyday I give it a rest then I try my best to not think about how I’m starting and not finishing. I am not finishing anything; not thoughts, nor books or conversations; I don’t even finish a lie to myself. So I start again until I can stop and tie all loose ends, bound my boxes and pack my suitcases and try to finish my day somewhere better.
It’s all pressed to my chest, all the desires, the hopes and the fears. I have them stapled to my clothes and I am lost in the baggiest dress I have ever slipped into. I am lost below the color fades and the heated fabric. There is more yet to come and I am bound to grow back into my own skin.
I do not know how to disappear, I do not feel. I am. Once again, I am everything I attempt to be with the power I have today. Sometimes I’m big sometimes I’m small and I cannot help but changing sizes and switching sides. I cannot contain my joy and I have no limits to my fears. Where are the lids, the joints and the limbs that people talk about? I have so much composure yet I do not know where it begins and where I end. I have no recollection of poise in my mind. That is why I thank my face daily- I would have never made it this long if it weren’t for my unbelievably helpful body. It truly is my blessing. If I were to live as a brain alone I would have exploded such a long time ago into a billion and one thoughts scattered like freckles on an insecure beautiful little girl’s face.
When my day is almost gone and I look at a lost October and a past birthday I feel the gravity of my company and the sweetness of my senses as they allow me the coziness of a night fully mine and a darkness too loving and genuinely present.
It’s all happening as I write believe it or not, it’s all in my mind, the words right before I write them, and the thoughts right before I think them. I am just as aware as the second girl you meet. I do not know how to be anything else.
Every time I mistake myself for a fully understood and past project I surprise myself again and I crack a joke to ease the awkwardness of meeting a new friend, or foe for that matter.
Someday, some way, I suppose things ought to change. They always do. I always find my way, I’m sure you do too. I’m not just a brain after all, my home is my body too. And it’s exactly where I’d like to sleep.

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Encountering a Dream

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.