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When You Feel Stuck

Sometimes change is good. Sometimes it is great. We may not understand the reasons behind it or the paths towards it, but in the end change is necessary.

Life does not go by alphabetically, or numerically, or systemically. It could happen in bursts, bundles and heaps of days, years or decades; but change follows, it always does.

I do have my prejudices about change, i have an unhealthy relationship with it, i treat it like a need, without it i tend to lose purpose. Then again we are different, we are each wired in our own specific ways that enable us to have such unique lives and experiences no matter how miniscule the differences. Many crave routine and they have every right to love it.

We tend to love what we know and run from the vague, the unexpected and the blurry. Somewhere as we grow in years we become more loving of real expectations, we become less likely to believe in magic, and sadly less likely to believe in ourselves.

Come what may at the end of the day, we cannot tell the future whether we are 5 years old or 87. We utilize our full capacities to avoid big bad surprises and equip ourselves with enough plans to last a life time. We make too many plans and the problem is that they usually outlive us.

I make a decision almost every day to try and live simply, less chaotically, more vividly. Some days i succeed and on others i really don’t. You may be making the exact opposite decision for yourself daily and there is nothing wrong with that. You may love plans, routines, real expectations, and complicated fast paced days and there is no reason why it makes your way of living any less important than mine.

I am tired of preaching, it is everywhere and everybody does it. We are lectured on exactly how we are supposed to “be” through every sensory and technological outlet out there. We are being reduced and not improved by that pressure.

We are becoming diluted by today’s world, stripped out of our common sense and our love for everything that makes us so damn different.

Everything inherently raw in us should be celebrated and not vilified. Live in the world you love and feel free to exaggerate your need for either sameness or  uniqueness! whichever side you choose; i hope you like your seat. Just keep in mind, you can always move, there is always a way.

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How to Dream

 

Make your way through the faces and the traces of doubt and debris. Flip through the pages and don’t mourn wasted ink or forgotten places. Excuse yourself from all expectations and indulge in the world of possibility. Freefall, absolutely weightless and let the gravity of dreams devour you. Understand that reality is only contrasted with vast, uninhibited, insane dreams. Understand that you must allow yourself to wander off so vaguely and lightly into that land. Understand that the only way one truly lives is by being wildly inspired by those dreams and possibilities. Let the charm of enchantment completely uplift you worlds above consciousness and reality. Get so close, give into the helpless magnetism of magic. Close your eyes and rest, you dont need physical senses for this journey. Wait for the shock under your skin, hold your breath for the insanity that will feverishly fill every space within you. You are not hollow here, you are not vacant.
Savour the assymatry of your thoughts and the chaos of your emotions, experience being shackled in the embrace of countless loving arms. Let it boil, let your nerves charge with a confusion they have never dealt with before. Understand the convergance between dreams and reality as they lock simultaneously in one touch out of every world known to you.

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Encountering a Dream

I sat down where he ordered me to and I looked at the floor. My hands were twitching so I clasped them closer and locked my thumbs together. My stomach was churning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had no idea what was going on outside my body, beyond myself. My inhibitions chained my insight and they drowned my mind. I looked at my feet and I noticed the absurdity of my entire position, except I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t stand. My mind flew and then crashed, my heart pounded and I could feel my chest getting heavy. My hair gently surrounded my face and it kept my eyes from wandering. I kept my head still and tried to listen to him speak.

I waited, almost impatiently to hear his voice, but he kept to himself. The silence began pushing my mind to places I was terrified of; the silence was powerful; until he spoke. I closed my eyes and heard him. It was so strong, his voice, his tone, his peace, it was immense. My heart twisted in its place, as if struggling to get out of its routine, my breath was organized, and my limitations closed in. He suddenly raised his voice: “Get out!” … It hit me almost shuffled my hair with its ringing resonance. So I looked up from the floor, and I couldn’t but stare. The beauty that was so striking stared back. His sharpness, his edges and his flaws all attacked my sight; he was so overwhelming I almost smiled.

He held my gaze and whispered “please”. I only found myself retracting into my chair almost wanting to fade. His face, his posture, and his hands everything shook me to the core. He crushed my every cell with hopeless infatuation, he simmered my thoughts on such peaceful flames; it was almost pleasurable. He examined my face and my evading eyes, he looked at me with presumptuous skill, and he was winning me over without even knowing it.

“Look at yourself, enjoy the sight of such gorgeous reflection, love this body and caress this mind. You have no idea, no clue, not even a trace of evidence of what you’re missing. Let me guide you, let me unfold you and crash your walls; I want to, I’m desperate to. I want to show you what reality is, I want to feed you the truth and shower you with moments, I want to sneak into your dreams and find you there too. I need to find you somewhere, because you hide so well, you love so hard but you destroy even better. You lurk behind those nonthreatening eyes and you wait. Give me what you fear most and I shall love you beyond it, crumble into me and I will make you whole. Lay out your plans and let it be, lay out your heart and let it be, lay out your body and let it be. Release yourself and I will not leave your side. Choke me with your doubts and I will not fall, pound your fists unto my soul yet I will always be. Do not deny me yourself, do not cry for tomorrow. I want to, I want to, I shamelessly need to have you.”

He had no idea, did he? I have seen him in my dreams, he practically lived there. Every night he waited for my head to fall unto pillows and my eyes to close. He entered my dreams without permission, he found me there so bare and unprotected. He touched my heart and I surrendered my being to his love. I laughed in my dreams, no inhibitions. Over every wall he stood tall and got to me. He had no idea that I fell to my knees every night needing him, praying for him and searching for him. I felt with him, and I lived, I grew with him and I thrived. He does not know.

As I thought, I felt his breath closer, I smelled his aroma and it filled me. A train crash, an airplane crash, destruction, life, death, birth and hurricanes. Music, Symphonies, Lights and waves all crashed. My mind burned and my heart rebelled. My hands shivered and my eyes watered, every part of my conscious being transformed into divinity. He woke up my ego, my id and my libido; he started the fight and killed them all, then revived them. He jump-started the life in me, and did not know. I felt his hand sweep away my hair and my eyes wandered to find him leaning closer. It only existed in my dreams, this encounter, it was not real, he was not there, I could not believe, I had no faith. And then to the sweet surrender that has become my reaction he whispers “Believe me, this is real”. He grins and my face flushes with every degree and shade of red to have ever been. Peace and war, they made sense at that moment, because I was the victim and the heroin of both; I won, I rejoiced and I felt every bolt of life streaming through my blood. Under all the levels of awareness in me he found mysteries and he stayed, he lingered there so close to me but with no impact. He watched me suffer and revel in his storm; he found rain in my eyes and sweetness on my lips. He softened my edges and calmed my tricks.

It was me and him; and I could hardly move. I was so spell bounded and heartily amazed. I decided to never leave. The wonder of meeting home in the eyes of a stranger, the clarity of finding truth in the vast skies and believing you found the man of your dreams in an unlikely encounter. I collapsed into him and I gave him my words, I surrendered my discoveries and I hid perfection between his mystery and mine.

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Late night rambling

I caught myself lying tonight. I didnt see it at first but then it became clear. I didnt believe that i had become that good at it. I stared myself down until i broke. Well i didnt break into tears, but into words.
I am too quiet, i keep my thoughts and my words to myself. I laugh gently, never shockingly, i smile at my wrongs while i punish myself with self loathing, i cry at almost anything that comes close to any form of sensation. I have become so dependent and inverted into this personality that i lost hope of any new qualities i might attain. My fear of ultimate self definition has braught me to the simplest and most deceitful form of it. I ran away from extremes until there was no more black or white in me. Plain grey and nothing to catch the eye.
Slowly i looked into her and i felt distant from my own reflection. Not intending to bring anything new to the table, Just the most cliche and popularly acclaimed notion; i felt detached.
This modesty that i live by has reached a form of intense apathy as to disregard my own intensities and walk away from my own truths. I fear knowing what i want, and i deny myself the pleasure of egoism. I have become so well trained to distance myself that i myself am lost.
They say every person has a spark in them, waiting to be ignited or for the life of it extinguished. Too many things have been said, but nothing really matters in that sense.
I feel as though i am waiting, i really do not know for what or for who. Maybe i am keeping my spark for the right moment, event or person. Who knows?
And so i close my eyes and open up, hoping that i am one of the lucky ones. Hoping that life had pre installed fireworks in me instead of a spark. Not because i am greedy but because believe me oh dear life, i need fireworks to burn through all that grey, all that ash that i have, even possibly large amounts of dust too; considering the boring nature of a person who actually enjoys reading and writing.
Amongst so many words, my ego is tickled for some reason; for maybe i find myself here. Sometimes crawling between all the hateful terms; yet at other times resting behind the word hope trying to make sense of the humiliating amount of words i have written when i assumingly am a quiet person.

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Him.

He lives inside those beautiful scenes. Where the mountains reach for the skies, he smiles. When the wind blows and shuffles my hair he flirts. He embraces my fear and kisses my insecurities. He is everything i know and everything mysterious. He challenges me in my love and in my hate. He gives me every reason for both.
He feels my pain and talks me through it. He looks through me and into every secret in my eyes. He loves truth but lives among liers. He preaches and swears, he contradicts and challenges those who overwhelm him.
He takes me higher and still manages to destroy me everyonce in a while. He is unsure yet craves certainty. He speaks of adoration yet is not a master of it. He smells of hope and security, still he reeks of the classic and conventional.
He dances To his own beats and sways me along, he finds my insanity entertaining yet damaging at times. It plays on his nerves and thoughts disrupt his classic composure until he finds himself so bare in my presence.
He flies and goes higher he chases me everywhere. He whispers in my ears until i smile and then leaves.
He leaves when im in love, and he leaves when i hate. He leaves when im happy and when im down. It never takes too long for either extremes to occur. He leaves when hes fed up and he leaves when hes wanting more. He leaves all the time.
Maybe its that secret, its that mystery and that torture at times that captures me and changes me.
Maybe im only human after all and maybe you wont understand, maybe you know how unbelievable for all those qualities to exist in one, and maybe you believe so deeply that they do.
Maybe i myself will never know, maybe i already do. I love what i have yet to find out. And i breathe to find him smiling everytime he comes back.