Category Archives: memoirs

Twenty-Six, shall we?

I begin again, at the beginning, twenty six and fully here. I have gratitude and a deep tremulous journey ahead. A journey not outwards, to you, or to the world, but inwards into my self. Because I do not feel that different, and I suppose age goes hand in hand with time, and if you don’t check the time you lose yourself. I want to lose myself in this beginning and only want to emerge again at the end. 

Losing yourself begins with recognizing that there is a story you tell yourself, one that is fed by all of your upbringing, your culture, your fears, your passions, your dreams and your wildest desires. You could live your entire life telling yourself and everyone else that story. 

OR

Your could live your life free from all those conditions. Imagine your life Free from boundaries of a single story. Imagine living obnoxiously and inherently to the point of elation. Imagine being able to love yourself, faults,fears and all. Imagine being able to demand and attain your own freedom, not from the chains of the world, but from yourself. 

Twenty six, is young; but I am both very young and very old. I was born yesterday twenty six years ago, but every day after that as well. Time is time as long as you bound yourself by it. Time is free of judgment and it is yours from beginning to end; you just decide where and how to locate those points. 

“Begin at the beginning, and go on till you come to the end; then stop.” Lewis Carroll 

Our life 

So as far as I know, time has not stopped yet. I approach the second half of my twenties with everything and almost nothing figured out all at once. For starters, the worst days end, and so do the best. I am grateful for both. Somehow we sail through, both too silently and all too chaotically as though we get to do this all over again differently. 

Some days are so similar that I lose all meaning between days of the week. So I make a decision to remember minute details like the smell of the freshly watered sidewalk or the white dust on a construction worker’s hands. And then when I think back I realize that those days and those thoughts will add up to being my week, then my month and eventually my year. So why does it matter? Because I get to recognize elements of my story as it is happening, and believe it or not there is some wonder in that. 

For a second I get overcome by a sense of melancholy, a fleeting realization that this right here, right now is it, for the time being it is all I have. But then I submerge my mind with presence, with absolute existence, being drenched in reality and still having the ability to step away from it is what makes us human. It is what conscious human life offers us, all we get to do is choose, maybe even simply dance in between our life, and the story we tell ourself about it. 

The Un-learning process

Why do you do what you do? What takes over you when you say yes or even when you say no? How little do you know yourself? And do you believe them when they tell you they know you and will do what’s best for you? 

I keep digging, I’ve been digging ever since I was 13 years old, and I’m approaching 26, still trying to understand. I have tried exercise, and love, I’ve tried depression and isolation, I’ve tried meditation and travel, I’ve tried so much, and I keep going back to this: I don’t know shit. >>sorry for the profanity<<

I don’t know why I say yes when I mean no, and I don’t know how to smile when I’m upset. I dont know how to lie when all I can see is one truth and It seems that nobody else has a clue.

So what do I know? 

I know that we all struggle, each to his or her own capacity. We all love and adore: people, pets, things or places; it doesn’t matter as long as we are willing to love. Everyone has a bunch of theories about life, and so do I; except most of which seem to work for some time only, up until it’s rebuttal time for the universe. 

So my dear, what do you do? Do you live in fear? Absolutely not. Do you plunge right in? Ofcourse. Because nobody knows And the more peace and tranquility you invest into that incessant case of uncertainty the softer your ride will be, and without doubt the more entertaining your life will get. 

Just remember to be as good at Un-learning as you were at learning. 

Gloriously 

Story upon story, my mind plays and skips across roads and thoughts less traveled. But then again, the roads I have travelled keep on teaching me, grilling my stamina and testing my willingness to accept the gloriousness of being so small in such a brilliantly huge world.

My heart is heavy sometimes, and my choking anxiety hits hard, but on most days my peace prevails, fed by the beauty of shores, lakes and sunflower fields.

The stillness of home feels as it should, but the pumping heart keeps pushing my eyes open, I can’t sleep; there is so much to see. So I put myself in my bed after days of sleeping on planes trains and cars, using sign language to try and describe the confusion of being so thrilled and so lost all at once.

I rest my case for now and leave some of my words here, I must release the rest with my eyes closed and my mind open. The soul glares with color and summons me to slow down and rejoice. The high of adventure sways my fingers into a halt, and I pull myself from this practice into a deeper one.

Vivid

My dreams are becoming more vivid. I am surrounded by beautiful nature, rivers, green and every shade of it, hills and corn fields. The wind comes at me from every angle, it greets me as though I’ve been away for a lifetime. The dreams come and go, and at some point I cannot tell if those are moments I’ve lived or simple tricks of the mind. 

I wait for the night to come so I am able to continue my journey into places I’ve never been but still have the familiarity of a land I’ve lived in for years, they feel like home. My waking life is equally as exhilarating. It is a blend of utmost color, and I am blessed. 

I am blessed to be here tonight, blessed to dwell in those spaces and places that exist soley for my peace. I am now an element of stillness in a world of diligent motion. And when my turn comes, I will be ready. Sleep comes to me now with all of its mystery and leads me in with grace. I resign from my wakefulness and retreat into a serene world, one where my vivid dreams wait…

This day has been good, i am learning. 

Chapter Twenty Five: Prologue 

Well here we are. Quarter of a century and still kicking. With the proper nutrition, and medical advances I might even live seventy five years longer. But I’m not betting on it. Whether it’s 75 more years, or just one more day I am more than blessed to be here today.

I’ve always adopted a rather dramatic approach towards my life. Ive circled around myself like a predator and pounced at myself when weak, I tore myself apart any given chance I got. Except I made it through, it never worked, nothing was ever solved, words were just words at the end of the day, and thoughts remained just thoughts, with no real value.

Approaching twenty five i began to take it easy, I figured, well if all this hate, this suffering, this negativity surrounding me couldn’t destroy me, then I probably am bigger than this, I am deeper, stronger and much more surreal. I decided to love. I chose it even when walls crashed. I found it in ruins of relationships, broken ideals and beliefs. I created love when it ran out from the hearts surrounding my own. I loved, and I learned. I still am.

I started to let go, and forgive. I decided that every human I will meet from now on will be a lesson and I will try my best to be a source of light. I started getting comfortable in my skin or lack thereof. I shaved part of my head and i discovered that just like thoughts, my hair wasn’t real either. I was still there, even when uncovered I recognized myself. I overcame my deep fear of loss. I pushed through.

Twenty five and present, no more preconceived notions. I have exhausted my prejudices, and my thoughts. My doubts are all still present, so are my insecurities and my demons. Except I know them all on first name’s basis now. I see them coming, I greet them and sit with them. The battle to get them to leave has become civil. But very difficult still.

There is more to life than I thought there was. I will keep this one to myself though. Words are just words after all. Let’s hope that at twenty five, I can live better, love better and just be.

Thank you

Suit Up

There a few things I wish I had known before I left home for the first time. There are also a few things I am glad I didn’t. You can scroll back two years into my posts and witness the destruction that was happening. However, for the purpose of allowing you your own experience, untarnished by my own thoughts, and assumptions, I will try to throw some sisterly advice at you and you get to choose what you like.

Number one: It is perfectly OK to be scared, perhaps terrified, all while trying to act as though you are in control. Time will take care of this one.

Number two: You have time. Don’t rush, and take things easy as they come. You may think that every step you take is indicative of your entire future, but that usually isn’t the case. You can say the wrong thing, people who care will correct you and help you grow, you are allowed and entitled to your own mistakes.

Number three: Treat yourself and indulge in the little things. You may send me pictures of the suits you wear, the food you eat, and the gifts you plan to buy me.

Number four: Watch your weight.

Number five: The first couple of weeks are usually the roughest, you will have to grow a layer or two of new skin to get used to it.

Number six: You will miss home and it will get to you some days, you can let that happen; but always remember that the distance will make you stronger.

Number seven: The confusion. This comes in bolts and varying doses. To counter it,  try to find a balance between what you want and why you want it.

Number eight: Invest in reading and learning about anything and everything that compels you. You may need to have an opinion in various discussions. Plus opinions without backgrounds are signs of ignorance and we don’t want that.

Number nine: Don’t believe everything you see, everyone you meet, and everything you hear. Filter, then filter, and then filter some more.

Number ten: Know that growing up is a process, that you do not have to meet every expectation set out for you, that from now on you get to set the horizons. Know that you have a group of people who would be there for you in a heart beat, and that whenever you need the silliest or most serious advice I will be your anchor.

When You Feel Stuck

Sometimes change is good. Sometimes it is great. We may not understand the reasons behind it or the paths towards it, but in the end change is necessary.

Life does not go by alphabetically, or numerically, or systemically. It could happen in bursts, bundles and heaps of days, years or decades; but change follows, it always does.

I do have my prejudices about change, i have an unhealthy relationship with it, i treat it like a need, without it i tend to lose purpose. Then again we are different, we are each wired in our own specific ways that enable us to have such unique lives and experiences no matter how miniscule the differences. Many crave routine and they have every right to love it.

We tend to love what we know and run from the vague, the unexpected and the blurry. Somewhere as we grow in years we become more loving of real expectations, we become less likely to believe in magic, and sadly less likely to believe in ourselves.

Come what may at the end of the day, we cannot tell the future whether we are 5 years old or 87. We utilize our full capacities to avoid big bad surprises and equip ourselves with enough plans to last a life time. We make too many plans and the problem is that they usually outlive us.

I make a decision almost every day to try and live simply, less chaotically, more vividly. Some days i succeed and on others i really don’t. You may be making the exact opposite decision for yourself daily and there is nothing wrong with that. You may love plans, routines, real expectations, and complicated fast paced days and there is no reason why it makes your way of living any less important than mine.

I am tired of preaching, it is everywhere and everybody does it. We are lectured on exactly how we are supposed to “be” through every sensory and technological outlet out there. We are being reduced and not improved by that pressure.

We are becoming diluted by today’s world, stripped out of our common sense and our love for everything that makes us so damn different.

Everything inherently raw in us should be celebrated and not vilified. Live in the world you love and feel free to exaggerate your need for either sameness or  uniqueness! whichever side you choose; i hope you like your seat. Just keep in mind, you can always move, there is always a way.

A shy eulogy

I had not thought of you or even said your name in a very long time; until today when I found out you died.
I feel bad, I am hurt, and unamused by all the coverage your death is receiving. I am not accepting or giving condolences on your behalf because you are simply somebody that I used to know.I had no stake in your life and I have none in your death. I am sorry that you won’t be here tomorrow. I truly am.
I am unaware of your life and your deepest desires. I have no idea what your favorite color was or whether you ever found love. I cannot ask you why you made the choices you did. But I can just mourn the loss of you as an old high school friend.
You don’t symbolize any political agenda or ideology. Your name doesn’t cause any deep revolutionary need in me. Your life is as foreign to me as mine was to yours. But you still belong somewhere somehow in a world of the innocent, the forgiving and the free. You are not an idea or a symbol, you are not a weapon.
You were A human worthy of a long beautiful life; and I don’t think that admitting that is of any insult to you.
I am sorry today was your last, you are surrounded with grace now.
May peace be upon you

Sprint for Normalcy

My fingers approach these letters timidly as they have not touched them in quite a long time.
My hand twitches as it points towards the words it has chosen to create. My mind stretches and it’s rusty limbs crack as out of shape thoughts put on their running shoes.
Not much meaning can be made as I have been trying to disappear to no avail. Apparently once you come into existence there really is no way out; not even existential vacations. I have been cheated and Ill informed before entering this unforgiving relentless world.
You can find me under books and beside my cat. You can find my metaphors all hunched awkwardly on cover letters and inside emails never returned. You can see my precious head if you look really close under my parents expectations. You may think I am joking. I probably am.
I probably am enjoying the fact that I am lucky in some weird twisted socially unacceptable way. I possibly know my worth too well to throw my self at any eyelash batting opportunity. I maybe had no idea that I would be the last one standing holding on to whatever I have been preaching ever since I learned the essence of a meaningful and happy life. I may be the one who gets away from the dream eating, ambition decreasing, wallet fattening career.
I may be forgotten. So I pick up a suitcase filled with words and sprint after that train.
We’ll see.