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Suit Up

There a few things I wish I had known before I left home for the first time. There are also a few things I am glad I didn’t. You can scroll back two years into my posts and witness the destruction that was happening. However, for the purpose of allowing you your own experience, untarnished by my own thoughts, and assumptions, I will try to throw some sisterly advice at you and you get to choose what you like.

Number one: It is perfectly OK to be scared, perhaps terrified, all while trying to act as though you are in control. Time will take care of this one.

Number two: You have time. Don’t rush, and take things easy as they come. You may think that every step you take is indicative of your entire future, but that usually isn’t the case. You can say the wrong thing, people who care will correct you and help you grow, you are allowed and entitled to your own mistakes.

Number three: Treat yourself and indulge in the little things. You may send me pictures of the suits you wear, the food you eat, and the gifts you plan to buy me.

Number four: Watch your weight.

Number five: The first couple of weeks are usually the roughest, you will have to grow a layer or two of new skin to get used to it.

Number six: You will miss home and it will get to you some days, you can let that happen; but always remember that the distance will make you stronger.

Number seven: The confusion. This comes in bolts and varying doses. To counter it,  try to find a balance between what you want and why you want it.

Number eight: Invest in reading and learning about anything and everything that compels you. You may need to have an opinion in various discussions. Plus opinions without backgrounds are signs of ignorance and we don’t want that.

Number nine: Don’t believe everything you see, everyone you meet, and everything you hear. Filter, then filter, and then filter some more.

Number ten: Know that growing up is a process, that you do not have to meet every expectation set out for you, that from now on you get to set the horizons. Know that you have a group of people who would be there for you in a heart beat, and that whenever you need the silliest or most serious advice I will be your anchor.

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Dear Mom,

Dear mom,
I dreamt about you the other night, it was almost real. Then i woke up and i realized even though i felt you in my mind, we were still on opposite sides of this world, in different time zones. I then closed my eyes to see you again and i did. You always said our unconscious is incredible; you were right.
Im imagining you reading this now, and its funny because you always complimented my writing even when it was terrible. I think it was your way of encouraging me to express my timid self.
I have so much faith in you, maybe the strongest belief springing from my core is in you. Nothing bigger than you in this world and nothing simpler. You encompass what life was, is and ought to be. Its insane because how can i ever come to know myself seperated from you when you are my source; my genuine soulmate.
I just want to tell you that you trained me well. You did your best and while you juggled being my mother and my best friend you somehow created me all over again everyday.
Everytime i catch myself feeling lonesome or down i remember how you would brush your shoulders off and tell me this is what we do. Then we pick ourselves up because we are that strong.
I know you have your pains and your struggles, just like every artist out there. Except, you are more youthful than you know, more beautiful than you admit, and more brilliant than you think. Your joy is my own and your pain is mine too. I will never stop pushing you, i will never walk out on you, because this is what we are all about.
I am so proud of you, when your strong and when your weak. You are my biggest truth.
So, yes as predictable as i am, this is how i try to make up for the distance.
I love you mom, thats what i’ve been trying to say:)

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Every other night as i lay in bed quietly counting the days ive been away from home, i find myself staring at her pictures.
Never in my life have i felt so overwhelmingly attached to a child as i am to her. Her face just turns on every light in my soul and she leaves me wishing i could be part of her journey growing up. She is a form of life in herself, a kind and a type that has not been discovered yet.
I think of this little baby girl and i want to hand her the world myself, i want to watch as she unravels the secrets of her great existence.
It is very safe to say that my 2 year old self would have definitely been her best friend. I even dare say my 21 year old self could easily be her best friend too.
Never did i think that such a little person could enter my heart and comfort my loneliness as she has.
And so as i flip through pictures of Selma i smile and i realize that this little friend of mine is the first person to make me feel so grown up and so young all at once.

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For you dad,

You were a young man then, i was a baby wearing brown fur overalls. It was winter, everything white and clear. You wrote my name in the snow with your footsteps. I do not remember that, but i watched it on a video tape years after and it stuck in my head. And I find you there every time.

You gave us so much, more than i can ever thank you for, or even come close to equating. I dare speak of independence and individuality when i owe you so much. You do not admit so many things, you find yourself in your own space, your own terms and your own definitions of life.

I realize there is so much that is yet to be achieved in our family, when different things were broken, huge others were mended. I always identified with you, in your silence, and your words; always made an impact on me even as a child.

You have so much to offer to the world, and to the people around you, and when i see you embracing that it gives me personal satisfaction and fulfillment. I have a need to see you happy and content. I would do the near impossible to make you proud and im sure my brothers feel the same.

I say i am your daughter with pride because it directly and magically reflects all your good qualities unto me. Whenever i hear someone speaking of you, as the educator, the adviser, the gentleman, the honest man, the respectful man, the righteous and honorable man; i feel overwhelmed for those are rarely said about one person in our times.

I understand you, even when you think i don’t, i listen to your words and read between the lines; i suppose that is what daughters tend to do. But i feel with you as a person, you are a giver so selflessly and kindly to whoever is in need. I find myself writing things that might be rather hard to say, but i cannot let you believe that if i don’t say something then i don’t feel it. At least that is what i learned from you.

You are my father and my mentor whether in your actions or your words, i do listen to you and i consider pleasing you as one of my goals. eventually, it is the relationships that we form with each other that will carry us through good and hard times. I am getting older yet i see myself as a little girl in your eyes. You will never let me fall, and if you do, it would be your way of teaching me how to face life.

No matter what happens in life, and no matter where we go, i believe i will forever owe you the honor and the pride i have. You gave more than you might ever imagine. I will always be there when you ask for me, whether it is because you want to lecture me or just talk. I will be there; we all will.

Just as you carried me around 20 years ago and wrote my name in snow, i will carry your name, your lessons and your love and imprint them everywhere i leave a good impression. You will find yourself in my achievements just as i found myself in you. I am so much like you and i know all i need is to grow into that greatness.

Thank you baba for everything you have ever done, and will ever do for us. If i happen to disappoint you i will find my way back to making you proud, and when i do, you will be my side hopefully overwhelmed by the joy of finding your own leading their lives in the best ways possible.

We Love you dad, we are geeks too :)) obviously

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What is a woman?

She lowers her voice, goes into an almost silent harmony of singing me to sleep. I could still feel her hand on my hair petting me as though i am still not more than her baby girl.
I close my eyes for that is the safest in the world i will ever be. That is where i have always and will forever belong; physically, mentally, metaphysically and emotionally, with her.
She thinks i dove into sleep, but i was savoring the silence while fully conscious of the moment and her presence.
I shared her life, i completely changed her, simply by existing. I watched her and followed her, i cried for her and laughed with her. I listened to her, i heard her. She was the woman who trained me to be myself, and by that a very similar version of her.
I saw her not as a mother but a person with dreams, hope and pain. I walked with her even ran to catch up; she made me.
What is a woman?
A woman loves, adores, risks and feels. She thinks, doubts, calculates, follows logic and her heart.
A woman cures and heals, she fixes the wreckage within men and other women. She picks others up but can destroy too. She has powers beyond reason. A woman is furious and insane.
A woman is intelligent and eloquent.
A woman smiles to let things go, she does not nag or worry aloud, a woman is responsible for her own problems and needs. A woman understands herself in order to contain others.
A woman is her and i. A woman is what was presented to me, a real show of endurance, dedication and truth.
A woman is still singing me to sleep though she has no one to sing for her. A woman does not pet me, she surrounds me; within and without.
The never ending song in my life..

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What they dont teach us…

She put some of her perfume on me and she smiled, you are way beyond your years dear she said. When a few hours back i was described as one of the best things anyone could call you: genuine.
Genuine, telling the truth and meaning it with no false pretences. This has become rare apparently.
Maybe between all the sorrow, disappointment, pain and double standards lay reality. Reality will shred us apart and drain us into either depressed intellectuals or shallow idiots.
Whichever side you end up in is a result of a harsh truth. Nothing lasts, not even you.
We long for some certainty. We seek it even in our darkest hours. The certainty tames us and is reason for us to deal with life on some condition that we will be payed back.
But experience and thoughtfulness kill certainty and breed its opposite.
There we feel the chill, the coldness of reality and sheer humanity. We want to hold on to anything whether emotion, a person, an idea or a state of mind. We seek to define ourselves through them.
The fragility of being human wrecks us because we sheild it with pride. We sheild with so many facades until we lose touch completely.
Until someone or something comes along and tells you to release yourself. There you find those sheilds falling to the ground, you start feeling your fragility again and it terrifies you.
To realize that it is okay to be a fragile human, to need and long for value, to find yourself in the midst of horror standing your ground and owning up to your nature, to split yourself from all others and realize your value to yourself and to others; to absolutely rid yourself of the weight of the world and reality is what they dont teach us in schools, and what our parents failed to show us.
So maybe in a small corner in your soul hides an innocence maybe a belief or a truth. Find that and create.