I like to think of myself as a happy person. I like to think that people perceive me as such; well because I learned at a very young age that nobody liked misery- so my happiness persona was a reaction to that lesson.
If I wanted people to like me, I had to be happy. Except, this with time became a problem because I started hiding when I wasn’t happy. I created a rule that was, for the most part, a sham; a very distrustful feeling eventually was nurtured within me; simply because I never exposed myself as the “real” me, only exposed the happy persona- The perpetual smiler.
I am not writing this to advocate it, but I am writing this for you dear reader who identifies with the perpetual smiler syndrome (one I have just made up). I envy the outright angry, the people who do not owe the world a happy face, not because they make us feel better, on the contrary sometimes they ruin our damn days- but I suppose they just don’t worry about being liked as much.
As I grow wiser ( LOL- I know) but no really, the more insight I gain into myself, I learn that seeking approval is a juvenile experience, one that does not serve a higher purpose but merely allows us a shallow sense of belonging, a sense of acceptance; which is why we change our appearance, our dialects, our fashion and our minds a million times until we completely lose touch of who we really are, and feel only slightly closer to the group. It seems that things get hazy with time, we start identifying with our behaviors, we become the things that we practice mindlessly. Despite the nuances within this concept of being, one cannot let go and just become what life, thoughts, people and struggle want us to become. We need to know where to resist and where to let go.
The perpetual smiler, the always beautiful, the never wrong, the extremely generous and kind are all in it together along with everyone else with their twitches, tweaks, and squeezes. The persona bubbles all sit together and play their parts, losing sight, missing cues and floating into an oblivious manner of living.
The point, if you read nothing but this paragraph, and if you are looking for a sign is this: YOU DON’T HAVE TO. You can burst through the lies, one bubble at a time. You can start easily.
We don’t have to be “this” or “that”. We don’t have to play the part. Besides, there is so much beauty in practicing being ourselves, so who would that be? What do we look like then? and there we can decide whether we really identify with certain parts and whether we really want to play them. Then we are free; because everything becomes a choice- that is the key.