I take in a deep breath and refrain from the sigh that usually follows. I glance at the companion of my choice tonight and my cup of coffee never looked as enticing or filling. It is already past midnight and my beautiful selfish mind rises to the occasion dressed in the deepest shades of thought.
My words haven’t been so diverse lately nor has my manner of speaking; and the reason is not a lack of events but a surplus of denial. A denial that a change once injected into a lifestyle needs time to take over. A denial that i haven’t been honest with these pages or with myself. A denial that no matter how much i repeat that i am OK, it will not suffice. A denial that giving up a piece of myself was as easy as typing Goodbye.
This is where i decide to come clean. My cup of liquid insomnia is filled up to the rim; enough to consume the night every sip at a time, and face a moon i have been hiding away from for a while now.
Truth is: I made a decision that i do not regret. I changed my life because i needed to, because i knew the path i was on was not mine. I probably baffle and confuse anybody who attempts to listen to me because one cannot explain abstract convictions to people who dwell on the practical. Maybe my trace of crazy finally came out and limped too frantically and frighteningly in front of people. Maybe losing what i lost means finding what i am bound to live for. All i know is that no matter how absurd our decisions could sound to our audiences, they remain at the end of the day our own, they become treasured possessions that nobody can ever take away.
I thought for too long, i lived inside my head believing that i can construct a world of my own free of damage, clear of trouble; and i was wrong. It turns out that the person living in my own world was not the same person living in everybody else’s. It turns out i was leading a double life of double thinking without even knowing it. It turns out i put out the biggest act without even auditioning. Everything i had written on those pages was truth for me except i could never say it so clearly in words. And so i hid, and i kept to myself, my inhibitions grew and my head became more crowded until i eventually broke.
The spill was too immense, too overwhelming, it was ground breaking and life changing. The decision to get out of my own constructed world left nothing unharmed and the person in question utterly confused.
I write tonight though my heart aches and my back breaks. I write tonight empty of love but full of courage to own up to my actions and speak about my decisions. I write tonight in need of redemption and in pursuit of peace. I write tonight trying to merge my construct of the world with the real one. I write in acknowledgement of a relationship so worthy of my truth and my honesty. I write to the stars that shine; though they are empty of life their light endlessly remains.
We are worthy of love. And even when love no longer lives inside a relationship it remains in the moments past and the words shared. We never lose love because it is never ours. We find love and it might evade us to be found somewhere else where it is more comfortable, where love is happy and not ill. We are worthy of love. It is whole it is eternal. Sometimes we taste bits of it sometimes we receive doses that last us a lifetime. It is everywhere all we need to do is just let it in.